During the Greek League Championship of intramural basketball my senior year, I got into a shoving match with a bottom-tier douchebag on the other team. The liberal student ref gave me a technical, and then blew two more calls down the stretch that cost my team the game. I was airing my grievances with this “referee” postgame, explaining to him that he had shit the bed and needed to go fuck himself, and as a result I was escorted from the rec center.
The following exchange began with an email from the university’s intramural staff to our team captain, which escalated into an Adderall-fueled battle (during finals week) that I will laugh about forever.
From the Intramural Staff to our team captain
I am writing to you with regards to a player on your IM basketball team, XXXXXXX XXXX. He was written up in your basketball game for unsportsmanlike conduct on Wednesday, April 28. He is suspended indefinitely from all Intramural activities and must set up an appointment with the Intramural office to discuss his reinstatement. During this meeting we will discuss with XXXXXXX his actions, the consequences of his actions, and the appropriate punishment if any for his actions. It is important for me to clarify that while XXXXXXX is indefinitely suspended until he meets with us, this suspension is not his punishment for his misconduct, his punishment will not commence until after we have met with XXXXXXX.
If you have any questions please let me know.
My response to the intramural staff
Dear Intramural Staff:
I’m writing in response to your letter regarding the most recent basketball playoff game. I am obliged to tell you that, in actuality, it is the XX Intramural Sports League that has forfeited the ability and privilege of my presence on any intramural sports team due to egregious actions (and non-actions) by a few select members of your officiating staff. It is unfortunate that such a small group could allow this to precipitate into such a serious situation, but I’m afraid that if you would like to me to participate in any future intramural sports you will have to schedule a meeting with my secretary, XXXXXXX XXXXXXXX, at my convenience. During this meeting, the competence of the Intramural Staff will be discussed, as well as the disturbing fact that XX employs handicapped young adults to officiate basketball games. My absence from your poorly officiated intramural leagues will not be deemed as punishment, until we have discussed this further.
From the Building Services Manager of the university to me
Mr. XXXXXXX XXXX,
My name is XXX XXXXXX, I’m the Building Services Manager at the University Student Recreation Center. You have received this email to inform you that your membership to the University Student Recreation Center has been suspended. The suspension will remain until you schedule an appointment with the XX Intramural Staff to discuss the incident that took place during an IM Basketball Game on Wednesday, April 28th. If you refuse to abide by the suspension and unlawfully enter the University Recreation Center, Campus PD will be called and trespassing charges could be brought against you.
The Intramural office can be contacted at IMsports@XX.edu
Thank you and we hope to hear from you soon.
My response to the Building Services Manager
Mr. Head Janitor,
I appreciate the prompt reply and the specific attention you have given to this situation, but I believe you meant to contact my consigliere Mr. XXXXXXXXX listed in the previous email. Nevertheless, I’m inclined to personally respond to this display of self-aggrandizement that you must seldom get the opportunity to abuse.
If this were not the busiest week of the semester, I would inquire into past precedence where a non-violent, verbal technical foul in a C-League basketball game warranted a suspension from the entire Recreation Center. Especially considering that the aforementioned technical foul was called under duress by a young man who may or may not be suffering from Asperger syndrome. Still, I would be disappointed if you mistook my response for resignation, so I had a paralegal of mine research the University Discrimination and Harassment Policies. Regent Law, Article 10 (amended 11/8/2001) states that, “The University does not discriminate on the basis of race, color, national origin, sex, age, disability, creed, religion…in admission and access to…educational programs and activities.” The only rational conclusion to why I have been singled out for this petty misdemeanor is that I have been discriminated against on the grounds of national origin, with my only crime being zealous patriotism for the United States of America.
In as such, I stand by my decision to passively abstain from any and every XX intramural sports team, and henceforth refuse to enter, nor step foot onto the property of, the candidly fascist Recreation Center until the Intramural Staff issues a full apology. These colors don’t run, sir. You should be ashamed of yourself.
XXXXXXX P. XXXX – Patriot
I never received a response…