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It’s been decided. After six rounds of intense matchups between strong contenders such as cargos, slacklining, man buns, vaping, and veganism, we have a definitive answer to the question, “What is the most not frat (NF) thing in the world right now?”
In an insanely close 51%-49% matchup, 3 seed Feminism topped 2 seed Hillary Clinton by a mere 240 votes. Congratulations, feminism — and remember, this is over-the-top, bleeding-heart, women-are-better-than-men feminism; we’re not savages (we love women!) — you’re officially the furthest thing from being frat in the known universe. Let’s take a look at feminism’s road to (un)glory.
Round of 64: #3 Feminism vs. #14 Flat-brim hats
Feminism made easy work of flat-brim hats, or, as we like to call them, 21st century dunce caps. With 84% of the vote, feminism made Rickie’s lame go-to choice in headgear look like the FaF bucket hat in comparison. Those lame lids never stood a chance.
Round of 32: #3 Feminism vs. #6 Hoverboards
Not even the spontaneously combustible hoverboard could slow down feminism. With 88% of the vote, the Feminazis beat the 6 seed by an even larger margin than they beat the 14 seed. Unlike the scent of the underside of feminists’ armpits, feminism in this tournament clearly was improving as time went on. An essential quality for it to have, as the Sweet Sixteen saw feminism face its toughest challenger yet
Sweet Sixteen: #2 Bernie Sanders vs. #3 Feminism
A strong 2 seed, socialist supreme leader Bernie Sanders looked to be on a fast track (or at least a track that’s as fast as he’s capable of moving these days) to the Elite Eight. But no; feminism looked him in the eyes and said “fuck outta here” before conquering him and his handouts 62% to 38%. A minor but telling upset.
Elite Eight: #3 Feminism vs. #8 Gun control
In the Elite Eight, #3 Feminism was heavily favored over semi-Cinderella 8 seed Gun control. With gun control a hot button issue at the time this round was going on, I figured the underdog had a shot. Nope. Feminism continued on its war path with a 67%-33% whomping. MAYBE IF GUN CONTROL WAS ALLOWED TO HAVE GUNS IT COULD’VE WON THE BATTLE.
Final Four: #1 North Korea vs. #3 Feminism
This is where I thought feminism would falter. North Korea is a totalitarian, authoritarian, (insert additional awful, oppressive form of government buzz word here) dictatorship. It is the antithesis of freedom, America’s core value. But no, you, our loyal readers, thought feminists were worse than the North Koreans by an incredible margin of 75%-25%. An interesting decision that I am forced to accept as fract (frat fact).
Championship Game: #2 Hillary Clinton vs. #3 Feminism
In a battle of an un-American feminist champion versus the concept of feminism, I saw this one going either way. And, in effect, it was a complete toss-up. Nobody wins in the battle of Hillary Clinton vs. feminism, just like nobody wins in the battle of Hillary Clinton vs. Trump. We all just live with them and try to let them affect our lives as little as possible. It’s all we can do.
And now, a look at all of feminism’s greatest hits:
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Cover photo by Connor Davis. Follow him on Instagram.