If hipsters keep sipping IPAs, it will soon become difficult for them to look down on people through their non-prescription glasses as a growing set of massive man tits will obstruct their line of sight. A groundbreaking scientific reveal tells us India Pale Ales are threatening to rip the buttons off their leather vests and expose their ample male bosoms.
The news was broken by Munchies, which is the food branch of the VICE network, the bible of all things hipster. Notice how he starts the article with, “Not many people know this …”
Not many people know this, but those hops in your favorite IPA are actually wonderful medicine for insomnia and menopause, thanks to their high phytoestrogen content. These same phytoestrogens, however, might be less desirable for men, as indicated by the common condition known among brewers as Brewer’s Droop.
Yes, you read that right: Hops are giving men man boobs.
Hipsters love IPAs. IPAs are extremely hoppy. Hops fills you with an estrogen-like compound. Hipsters are pussies. The world makes a little more sense.
This means if regular people drink IPAs, they run the risk of turning into hipsters. Don’t think it can’t happen to you. You’ll down a Lagunitas thinking, “Ah, this has way more flavor than a Bud Light.” Next thing you know, you’ll be knitting a sweater in the corner of the bar while your boy pokes your man boobs and asks for a glass of milk.
There you have it. The more you bring an IPA to your lips, the harder it will be to do so with all that extra tit meat restricting your arm movement. It’s best to steer clear of the substance all together.
On the other hand, ladies looking to graduate a cup size could really benefit from making the switch. Order an IPA, get bigger tits, then get free IPAs and even bigger tits..
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