There is a shared understanding that exists among us testicled brethren when it comes to our choice in fermented nectars. Much like the unoccupied middle urinal and the knowledge that an ass smack in the realm of athletic competition is the most heterosexual thing one can do that doesn’t involve tripping into Jennifer Aniston’s vagina, our choice in beverage says a lot about our manhood.
Beer is always best. Without it, the human population itself would be extinct due to the sheer unfuckability of most members of the human race. Whiskey is also a safe bet despite being the second leading cause of erectile dysfunction after Jocelyn Wildenenstein’s face.
Tequila is good as well, as it has a certain aura about it that says you’re feeling a little cultural, but you’ll probably end the night writing up a lawsuit against Taco Bell for any anal reconstructive surgery that will be needed after what felt like birthing the human torch out of your asshole.
Vodka is a little iffy, not so much for the fact that it comes in more fruity concoctions than a Skittles sponsored pride parade, but because it’s just a bit un-American there, comrade. Unless you’re trying to coerce Svetlana and Natasha across the bar into some cold, Russian three-way that has less passion than a necrophilia orgy, you might want to stick with the less transparent alcohols.
Of course, there are always the rums, gins, and Listerines of the world, as well. Every guy knows that if he is caught drinking a Mike’s Hard Lemonade, he will be promoted to CEO of the Bruce (Bernice?) Jenner fan club and will have to look at his father straight in the eyes and apologize for being a waste of an ejaculation.
The point of this Lou Holtz caliber, incoherent ramble is to bring to question where exactly Redd’s Apple Ale lies on the scale of socially acceptable things to deteriorate your liver with.
On a scale of one to ten, with a one being drinking Jagermeister at your nephew’s Bar Mitzvah, and a ten being sharing a brew with Sam Adams before he went to kick the fish and chips out of the Brits, where does this glorified Mott’s apple juice fall?
On one hand, it does have the word “ale” right there on the label, so unlike the aforementioned Mike’s Hard, at least it doesn’t have a beverage in its title that is sold by greedy little money whores who have the audacity to charge 75 cents for a cup of hose water and the Kool-Aid man’s coke stash.
Being equally as dubious and conniving as a pair of tits hiding behind the lies of a push-up bra, Redd’s can also at least look the part of an actual beer if it is poured into a glass. You are also able to convince people that the apple aroma is coming from your green apple Jolly Rancher collection in your pocket. Hell, add some Fireball to the Redd’s and you have what I would imagine the spawn of Big Red chewing gum and the Giving Tree would taste like.
Then again, sitting at an alcohol volume of only 5%, how acceptable could Redd’s really be for a guy to drink when it can be used as a halftime beverage to accommodate the pee-wee football team’s orange slices and anabolic steroids?
I don’t know. I’m just a little conflicted here because I’ve seen guys drinking Redd’s who look like they would eat me for protein had they forgotten their shaker at home, yet I can’t help but think that if Redd’s Apple Ale was a clue on Pyramid, the answer would be “the official sponsor of Tampax.”
Overall, I’d place Redd’s at about a two on this hypothetical scale of acceptability: Still more respectable than Mike’s Hard or water, but if you have any rubbing alcohol, paint thinner or gasoline lying around, your manhood would probably be better going with the latter..
Image via Facebook/Redd’s Apple Ale