Remember Otto Warmbier? You know, the University of Virginia Theta Chi and American Citizen that was arrested in North Korea for trying to snag a memento on the way out of his study abroad program in The Democratic People’s Republic of Un over a year ago? Yeah, him. Guess where he is today:
My man is still doing 15 to (probably) life cracking salt rock with an Andy Dufresne Shawshank hammer in a labor intensive Pyongyang prison. A YEAR PLUS LATER. And no one seems to care. Not one credible update on this kid from an actual news outlet, even less on the negotiation front from the U.S. government, and his family won’t even comment on the matter.
But what now? How can we get the ball rolling on the #FreeOtto movement? I know you’re reading this, Un. We’ve seen the pageview traffic report list some readers from that lovely little live action rendition of Animal Farm that you call home. There can’t be more than three computers in the entire country. We know you frequent this site, so let’s work this out.
Do we send over Dennis Rodman and the Harlem Globetrotters to throw a friendly exhibition of hoops showing how “far superior” your Korean national team is? I hear you’re a huge Jackie Chan fan. How about we send him over along with Chris Tucker to make Rush Hour 4? What if we sweetened the deal by tossing in some firepower like bottle rockets and M80s to beef up your defense program? Will you ship our boy back then?
Fine, Un. We’re taking matters into our own hands.
We’ve set up an official whitehouse.gov petition titled “Bring Our Boy Otto Warmbier Home From North Korea,” and if our petition reaches 100,000 signatures by March 2, the White House, by rule, must officially respond to it.
That’s the only way we’re going to get the answers to the questions that are keeping so many of us up at night as we think about Otto’s hard knock life planting apple trees using only a child’s plastic pail and shovel, polishing boulders using nothing but his own saliva and old Bennigan’s napkins, and using a sledge hammer to turn dust into an even finer dust.