It’s Time To Stop Using Baby Wipes, You Loser

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Here at TFM, we talk a lot about stuff that involves butts. One facet of fannies that has seemingly fallen by the wayside during this discussion? The proper way to care for them.

If you’re like me, this quote from Parks and Rec’s Andy Dwyer perfectly describes your time in the stall.

That’s been my life for the past five years. Maybe that’s due to my strict intern diet of string cheese, salt and vinegar chips, and sugar-free Red Bull — I’m not sure. Whatever the culprit, though, it’s never a good day to be my b-hole.

Because my sphincter is the leakage equivalent of a New Orleans levee, toilet paper just doesn’t cut it. Unless, of course, by “it,” you are referring to my anus, which toilet paper cuts the shit out of. When you’re incessantly wiping, TP dries out your dumper faster than you can say “I would rather die than subject myself to this wretched toot-hole torture any longer.”

The remedy that most men use to combat the endlessly poopy butthole is the employment of baby wipes. Sure, they feel great, don’t dry out your chili ring, and expedite the wiping process, but the stigma that comes along with them? That of being a stupid, incontinent, fussy little baby? Yeah, no thanks.

Can you relate to my struggles on the shitter? If so, you’re in luck, because the game has been officially changed. It’s time to stop wiping like you’re a farmer fruitlessly hoeing a field of mud, and it’s time to stop wiping like a bitch-ass helpless little baby boy.

It’s time to start wiping like a fucking dude.

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Bye bye, baby wipes. Dude Wipes are the first ever flushable wipes designed specifically for men who want to spend less time on the can and more time crushing cans. Of beer. On their heads. Because they’re fucking manly-ass dudes who don’t give a fuck. Does this sound like you? Good, then keep on reading.

When the dudes behind Dude Wipes came up with the idea of a moistened toiletry wipe for men that has Vitamin E and soothing aloe, and is alcohol-free (this is probably the only time in my entire life where I’ll use that term in a positive light) to expertly cure what ails you, they knew they were onto something. So they took their talents to ABC’s Shark Tank. Their opening line?

“Sharks, are you still wiping with just toilet paper? If so, you’re a chump, and your ass hates you for it.”

Yeah, Mark Cuban wasn’t not going to invest after an in-your-face pitch like that. So he did. Dude Wipes are now available in 2,700 retail stores nationwide.

If you still aren’t convinced that Dude Wipes are going to revolutionize your deuce game, get a load of this: Not only are they 25% larger than any other wipe on the market, they’re strong enough to resist tearing in even the toughest conditions. Did you just finish a 15-day bender where you drank nothing but light beer and ate nothing but Chipotle? Never fear — Dude Wipes have you covered.

Dude Wipes aren’t just for use in the bathroom, either. Leave an Away Game pack in your convertible and you’ll be ready to go when a bird inevitably shits on your head. Bring a pack with you to the gym and be the coolest dude wiping sweat off the bench. Stick a pack in your bedside table and your nighttime cleanups will be easier than ever.

Want a FREE 3pk of Dude Wipes to see what all the fuss is about? Click here, enter your info, and they’ll send them out to you. Easy as that. A few lucky dudes will even win a complete DUDEpackage with a lot more stuff, so you’d have to be an idiot not to do it.

Buy Dude Wipes now and watch all your troubles flush away.

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