You just beat Michigan, the number one ranked basketball team in the nation. It’s time to get fucking hammered. A night full of TFMs awaits you. Who knows, maybe tonight will finally be the night you convince your slam to give you that foot-job you’ve been secretly fantasizing about ever since you discovered Keira Knightley in Bend It Like Beckham all those years ago. After all, what better way to celebrate your team’s inevitable position as best in the country? You hobble back to your place, ripe and ready to rip shots and turn into your drunk alter ego (mine’s name is Justin Imbiber), when suddenly, out of the (maize and) blue, Jalen fucking Rose.
ESPN analyst and former NBA journeyman Jalen Rose didn’t let Michigan’s 81-73 loss to Indiana University send him to his hotel room early. Instead, photos posted to a now-removed thread on Reddit.com show him partying with his alma mater’s arch-rivals, reportedly until 5:00 a.m., after working the game for ESPN’s “College Gameday.”
Why is a member of Michigan’s famed Fab Five recruitment class partying with fans of the team to which Michigan had just lost? Granted, judging by the pictures Rose doesn’t look too incredibly thrilled to be there (and definitely not as thrilled as that Indiana goober in the background), but still. My theory is that Jalen didn’t want to go back to the hotel because he was stuck rooming with Dick Vitale and was sick of hearing how “unbelievable” everything in the suite was.
So Jalen Rose is at your party. If he was at my party I’d have been fine with just his presence. Hell, I’d have been fine with him just standing in a corner not talking to anyone like a 6’8” mannequin (mostly because he would have looked great next to my sex mannequin). But what Jalen Rose did at the party solidified his position as best party guest ever.
Among the statements reportedly posted to Reddit that the students claimed Rose made:
•That Michael Jordan was hungover, not flu-stricken, when he played Game 5 of the ’97 Finals.
•That Reggie Miller’s ex-wife had burned down Miller’s house.
•That he can’t smoke marijuana because Disney, ESPN’s parent company, tests for drugs.
•That Jamaal Tinsley “drank vodka more often than water,” but that Rose let Tinsley live with him for a month.
•He could hit 17 of 20 three-pointers right then and there, and responded to doubters with a string of expletives.
Jalen’s like a sorority girl, in that if you get a few drinks in him he’ll dish out the hottest gossip about all of his “friends.” And apparently he’ll get pissed at you for doubting his trey-shooting abilities.
Unlike a pussy, who, when they do something bad, denies that anything happened (*cough*) Kobe (*cough*), Jalen Rose was pretty straightforward about the whole ordeal.
When asked about his comments, he discredited their accuracy but did not deny any specific statements. “I’m saying they weren’t quotes,” he said.
The ol’ “I’m not sayin’…But I’m sayin’” excuse. I see you, Jalen.
[via The Huffington Post]