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Jared Kushner Is The Frattest Man Alive

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Ever since the 2016 election, the White House has been ran by a second-generation real estate mogul with a flair for blazers and palling around with billionaire banker golfing buddies. A former Democrat who has purportedly renounced his liberal past, and now understands that the best way to show your noninterventionalist “America First” conservative leanings is to bomb the everliving shit out of a Syrian airfield. A gentleman whose idea of leisure time involves hitting both the links for 18 and hitting on a little blonde number named Ivanka.

But enough about President Donald Trump. Let’s talk about Jared Kushner, the First Son-in-Law, and reigning holder of the world title for frattest man alive.

The Kush was born in 1981, way before the phrase The Kush became synonymous with dopers’ funny marijuana cigarettes. He is the elder son of Charles Kushner, who was a real estate developer himself, and even did a bid in Club Fed for the ultimate power move hat trick of illegal campaign contributions, tax evasion, and witness tampering. Jared was born already wearing a white collar. The Kushners have a net worth of a cool $1.8 billion. Taking over the family biz as CEO of Kushner Companies in 2008, Jared’s real estate portfolio currently includes the Times Square Building, where he can light up cigars with fellow billionaire buddies Peter Thiel and George Soros while giving Breitbart enough thinly-veiled anti-Semitic conspiracy fuel to pay for its eponymous founder’s zombie coke habit (allegedly).

While the Times Square Building is a nice piece, the most impressive part of Kushner’s portfolio is his wife, Ivanka Trump. With all due respect to the oft-forgotten Tiffany, Ivanka is the total package. Looks. Brains. Business savvy. A supporter of Planned Parenthood. Legs. Most importantly, she is without a doubt POTUS’s favorite child, thereby giving Kush a direct line to the President’s ear, despite protests from the Breitbart wing of 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.

Speaking of Breitbart, what makes Kushner a real American hero is his handling of Hollywood elitist and Goldman Sachs alum Steve Bannon, one of POTUS45’S chief strategists. Word emerged in April that Bannon was calling Kushner a “globalist” and a “cuck” behind the latter’s back, while Jared was overseas singlehandedly bringing peace to the Middle East (more on this later). Rather than allowing Bannon to box him out, Kushner instead used Ivanka to show her old man pictures of Syrian children that had been gassed by Assad. Next thing you know, Donald Trump – despite repeatedly denouncing Barack Obama for Syrian intervention- is launching more tomahawk cruise missiles at Syria than Russia has in its entire arsenal (no, really) in the most anti-Bannon worldview move yet. Thereafter, Trump comes out supporting the Export Import Bank, says China isn’t a currency manipulator, and calls NATO a great alliance, in the process making Bannon’s head explode. Steve Bannon tried to make an enemy of Jared Kushner, and instead found himself cucked by the “cuck.”

Jared Kushner could be the most powerful man behind the throne since Tom Hagen. Tom Hagen was the adopted son of Vito Corleone who was the Don’s consigliere. Hagen notably arranges a dead prostitute to be sent to a drunken blackout-emerging politician’s room in order to gain future leverage in his business deals. Kushner (probably) makes this scheme more efficient than Hagen because instead of killing the poor girl, he instead just has her put on a golden shower show in a Russian hotel room so his father-in-law can solidify some good Exxon deals with Vlad. Way smaller mess, urine-coverd sheets aside

The dude is living the dream. Just check out this fucking outfit:

Big homie is pulling off the often-spoken of but rarely-seen Brooks Brothers suicide bomber vest/blazer combo. The unicorn of anti-Jihad high fashion. Sent by POTUS on a mission to Iraq, his Ray Bans strike fear into the hearts of ISIS. Forget a Starbucks on every corner; Jared Kushner is in the desert to give the citizens of Baghdad a Capital Grill steakhouse on every IED booby trap.

Slipping the President of the United States’ hot daughter your billion dollar frat pickle, then whispering in her old man’s ear “Hey, you should bomb Syria.” TFM.

Image via Shutterstock

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J Parks Caldwell

J. Parks Caldwell is a senior contributing writer for Total Frat Move, Rowdy Gentleman, and Post Grad Problems. He frequently blesses the rains down in Africa.

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