By now, you’ve probably heard the unofficial reports that former 49ers coach Jim Harbaugh will be taking over the University of Michigan football program for a casual $48 million contract. That’s a lot of $8.00 khakis that can be bought at the local Walmart. While some have doubts that Harbaugh can transform the remains of Shane Morris’s scrambled brain into a fully functional quarterback, there is no denying what he accomplished with his time at Stanford, or in the NFL, for that matter.
Though he may have been the subject of a year-long media frenzy, what do we actually know about that the man who will be breaking tradition in Ann Arbor next year, and wearing a headset on the sidelines of the Big House? With that in mind, America, I’m here to help. In order to aide you in familiarizing yourself with Brady Hoke’s successor, here are 26 completely true facts about the new Michigan Head Coach, Mr. Jim Harbaugh.
- Jim Harbaugh proposed to his wife by making her get on one knee and asking her, “Do you know who I am?”
- Jim Harbaugh refuses to watch “Space Balls” because of his hatred of The Schwartz.
- When Jim Harbaugh’s son was born, he slapped the little brat on the ass, gave him the newspaper classifieds, and told him he had three weeks to get a job.
- Jim Harbaugh yells out his own name when he climaxes, whether he’s taking part in sexual intercourse or masturbating.
- Jim Harbaugh’s other job is making phone calls for State Farm at 3 o’clock in the morning.
- Jim Harbaugh gets his prostitutes in the mood by popping a steamy game film in the DVD player.
- Jim Harbaugh doesn’t use a plastic bag when he stranglebates. Instead, in order to choke, he just puts on a Super Bowl XLVII hat.
- Jim Harbaugh parties by railing lines of pure anabolic steroids.
- For Christmas every year, Jim Harbaugh’s gifts are donations made in the recipient’s name to The Human Fund.
- Jim Harbaugh keeps his own self-portraits in his wallet’s photo album section.
- When Jim Harbaugh’s bride was asked by the priest whether she took Jim Harbaugh to be her lawfully-wedded wife, Jim Harbaugh interrupted and scoffed, “Pffft, if she’s lucky.”
- Jim Harbaugh took the Michigan job because he has always had an unhealthy obsession with Rodney Dangerfield in “Back To School.”
- Jim Harbaugh applauds his own accomplishments during his children’s graduations.
- Kim Jong Un calls up Jim Harbaugh asking for advice on how to be a bigger asshole.
- Jim Harbaugh goes to bed every night texting 49ers GM Trent Baalke’s wife a “U up?” text.
- Jim Harbaugh has already written his own eulogy. The word “greatest” appears 364 times.
- To last longer in bed, Jim Harbaugh counts in his head how many things are wrong with Colin Kaepernick’s throwing motion.
- Per his contract, Jim Harbaugh demanded that Michigan be re-nicknamed U of Jim.
- Jim Harbaugh puts his own report cards on the fridge when his children bring home their test scores.
- Jim Harbaugh substitutes in his own name during the Star Spangled Banner. “Gave proof through the night that Jim Harbaugh was still there.”
- Jim Harbaugh uses a Joe Flacco jersey as a jizzrag.
- Jim Harbaugh chugs a bottle of Sriracha with every meal, in order to make sure he always has the rankest farts in the room.
- Every December 25th, Jim Harbaugh makes his family celebrate Jim’s Third Time Using The Potty On His Own Day.
- Jim Harbaugh puts his own age in candles on his children’s birthday cakes.
- Jim Harbaugh wears a Pete Carroll jersey during sex with his wife, just so he can see what it’s like to pound a Harbaugh in the ass.
- The power didn’t go out inside the Superdome during Super Bowl XLVII. That was Jim Harbaugh’s ego blocking out the sun..
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