I’m trying, Brent Musberger. I’m trying.
I’ve started to get the football out, and thrown it around the backyard with Pop. Not to toot my own horn, but I’ve been flashing some real gunslinger potential. The pocket has become a second home to me. You know, as long as my 7-year-old brother abides by the “Five Apple” rule.
My post-corner teardrops have been raining so gracefully, the nosey neighbors keep asking if my aerial attack just finished watching the Jimmy V speech. And don’t think for one minute my Southpaw Stovepipe has gone unnoticed. The CFL’s been calling, but I just let it go to voicemail.
As you can tell, I’m right on the verge of getting all the good-looking women alluded to by “Big Bang” Brent (the nickname implying, of course, that he makes stars). It’s just a matter of locking down the subtle nuances of the game. For that, I turn to Ann Arbor alum and NFC Champion San Francisco 49ers Head Coach Jim “Don’t Hug Me, Bro” Harbaugh.
The technique Jimmy advocates in the following video, as seen beginning at about 17:00 and lasting a little past the 21:00 mark, is what I like to call, The Michigan Difference. You’re welcome.
I took the liberty of making a transcript of Harbaugh’s lesson plan, so now even you can learn the secret to Andrew Luck and Collin Kaepernick’s successes!
17:20- Now, center-quarterback placement. The quarterback’s placement of his hands. He’s a righty. And the center’s a lefty, err, or the center’s a right-hander, too. (*grabs right pointer finger with left hand*) Take that knuckle right there on your finger, that pointer finger, and it should go squarely right in the middle of his assss-hole. Right in the middle of it! Find the asshole. That’s where that knuckle goes! Right there, so it’s offset, to the right.
17:59- That’s how you wanna get the ball. The meat of the hand (*power ball clap*) on the meat of the ball (*power ball clap*). Right like that (*power ball clap*). So it comes up (*power ball clap*) and it’s there (*power ball clap*). Bam! Bam! Bam!
18:14- Now, you’re gonna have trouble. There’s gonna be some dropped balls. How do you fix that? It’s pretty simple how to fix it. First of all, you get the center on the ground. He takes his position. The quarterback puts the knuckle of his finger into the center of the asshole. That’s where he’s got the ball, that’s where he’s got pressure from the bottom hand, and it’s pressuring up the top hand. So, he sets the top hand in, and lets the center sit on it. So the center’s got pressure, he knows where the hand is. The knuckle’s in the center of the asshole.
And don’t forget, all you future gunslingers out there: It is considered good etiquette to cook your center some breakfast the next morning.