You know that feeling when someone brings up a guy who is inexplicably on the periphery of your friend group despite you and all your friends pretty openly hating him? And you’re like, “Oh, fucking Anthony? Yeah fuck that guy. Dude once basically forced me to donate $50 to his Movember campaign but I’m pretty sure he just kept the money. And also, every time I see him he whips out his phone to show me the new lineup high school girls he matched with on Tinder and is currently banging, even though I never ask about it and once actually told him to stop. But he keeps on doing it. I think he thinks it’s, like, our thing. Fuck Anthony. What about him?”
Then the other guy tells you, “Dude he got Steve arrested last night.”
So you say, “Jesus Christ. Of course. How?”
Launching into the explanation, the other guy says, “So I guess he randomly drove by Steve while he was waiting for an Uber, and was like, ‘Get in bitch I’ll give ya a ride.’ And Steve was like, ‘No thanks Anthony I’m cool.’ But Anthony insisted until, finally, just to shut him up, Steve got in. Anyway, then Anthony is like, ‘I gotta make a quick stop.’ So Steve is like, ‘What? Come on man my ride was almost there just take me home.’ And Anthony goes, ‘Hold on a minute you little snatch squirt I just gotta make a stop.’ Turns out the stop Anthony had to make was to a cast party for Kennedy High School’s production of Bye Bye Birdie. I guess some high school girl he was banging from Tinder started dating some kid in her grade and Anthony found out. So Anthony rolls in, beats the shit out of this skinny little sophomore kid who stole his literal girl, and then proceeds to go upstairs with the girl. They were arguing at first but apparently that turned into makeup sex… in whoever’s house it was parents’ bedroom. And the parents were home. Anyway, all the other kids at the party freaked the fuck out and called the cops. So the cops roll up, find Anthony balls deep in a 16 year old and Steve waiting in the car. Turns out Steve had weed on him so he got arrested with Anthony.”
And because this sounds all too possible, you just sigh and say, “God I hate Anthony.”
Oh you don’t know that feeling? It’s either because Anthony Weiner doesn’t exist within orbit of your life, or you don’t live in certain parts of New Jersey. But Weiner does creep about unwanted on the periphery of Hillary Clinton and Joe Biden’s lives. And when Joe Biden found out that it’s because of a different FBI investigation into Anthony Weiner* that the FBI investigation into Clinton’s emails is being reopened, to look into newly unearthed evidence, he had the perfect reaction.
*Granted, Biden isn’t told what exactly Weiner did to be investigated, but when Anthony Weiner is involved in something illegal, you can be pretty rest assured that whatever is going on is more likely to involve Hello Kitty panties than, say, insider trading.
I mean, yeah. Pretty much, Joe. And I like that he made sure to clarify, “I hated Weiner before the world found out he had library of unsolicited dick pics. Something never sat right with me about him. Probably his name. And his weird face, for starters. But I won’t get into that. ‘That’ being how much I’ve always thought Anthony Weiner was creepy looking, and a wasteland of human morality who society should castrate for its own safety.”
The only conclusion I can draw from the broader story is that, after everything that’s happened during this election cycle, and with what the national discourse has devolved into, I’d say this country’s fate absolutely deserves to hang on Anthony Weiner’s attempts to bang a high school sophomore..