Normally I like to give Justin Bieber a ton of shit. Who am I kidding? I’m going to be doing that very shortly. The most recent Bieber incident, however, has me feeling conflicted. Yes, I dislike Justin Bieber greatly, insomuch as I perceive him and he allows himself to be perceived. And yes, Justin Bieber is a shitty driver. Just ask Keyshawn Johnson and Eric Dickerson. Despite all that, pretty much any member of the paparazzi is worse in my eyes than Justin Bieber. In fact, so much of why I hate Justin Bieber is actually the fault of the paparazzi and the culture it represents, celebrates, and is symbiotic with. BIEBER IS YOUR CREATURE, YOU FRANKENSTEINS!
Basically the incident went like this: Bieber and his friend Lil Twist, because naturally Bieber would be friends with a “Lil,” were leaving The Laugh Factory and of course were mobbed by paparazzi. It looked like it was a real obnoxious experience, one that you never get used to. I actually felt sympathy for Bieber. GUHHHH! Look what you’ve made me do, paparazzi! Look how you’ve made me feel! I HATE you! Anyway, Bieber slides into his white Ferrari with Mr. Twist, and the two try to leave. Of course, they can’t, because the vultures are surrounding his vehicle. Some security guard makes them back up, but the shameless bastards barely move. Bieber starts to pull into the street, and tries to get the paparazzi to move by revving his engine, but he is blinded by the flashes. Finally, the guard gets the paparazzi to move, save for one supremely stupid, desperate photographer, and Bieber pulls out. As he starts to drive off, Bieber’s car clips and drags the guy. It’s pretty hilarious.
You can watch the video on TMZ.
Eventually the police were called and talked to Bieber for a few hours. Fortunately for the Canadian Hello Kitty panty wetter, the LAPD determined that he was not at fault, because that asshole paparazzo was negligently hanging out in the street. Good for Bieber, honestly. This clearly wasn’t his fault. I hope that paparazzo received a quality injury. He deserves to learn a lesson, and deserves to suffer for his stupidity. Watch the video, all those dickbags started crying foul as soon as the guy got hit. A normal person has to wonder, what more could Bieber have done!?! I’m not a normal person though, so all I wonder is what Bieber was like talking to the police…
Bodyguard: Yo Jay these police officers need to talk to you.
Officer 1: Mr. Bieber we have a few questions we’d like to ask you about the incident outside of the Laugh Factory last night.
Bieber: Ey yo, Mistuh Bieber’s my pops, call me Jay Billz Sneakthief, cuz I got that papuh ‘n be stealin’ yo girl like a thief in the night! OHHHHHHHHH! HAHA!
Crew Member 1: Damn Jay you just think dat nickname up?
Crew Member 2: Yo dat ain’t a nickname dat’s a sickname!
Crew Member 1: I know, fuh realz, dat dat name has only existed fo like, a trillisecond, but it straight up sounds crazy legendary, like you a hero dat be just like part Robin Hood, part Batman, cuz you take from the hatuhz ‘n give to the playaz. Plus you got crazy sick abs like Batman did.
Crew Member 2: Crazy sick Batman abs, Jay.
Crew Member 1: ‘N you also you a hero cuz you just, you know, you free people from they inhibitions and make ’em not worried ’bout what, like, the expectations of society has them trippin’ ’bout. Just be who you is, love who you love, whether dat be a fly shawty like Selena or yo best friend ‘n role model ‘n mentor ‘n savior who you dream watercolor dreams ’bout where ya’ll just straight up eat picnics in a field ‘n protect each other ‘n laugh at theys jokes ‘n shit.
(*The Police Officers look at each other, confused*)
Officer 2: I’m sorry, what the hell was that?
Officer 1: We’re just going to call you Mr. Bieber. Now if I can continue…
Bieber: (interrupting) Hol’ up hol’ up. My boy just got deep up in herr…
Crew Member 1: (under his breath) I want you to get deep up in me.
Officer 2: (to Crew Member 1) Pardon me?
Bieber: We need a moment uh silence fo dat.
(*Bieber takes off his flatbill and bows his head. The Crew Members follow suit. The Police Officers look annoyed. A minute passes*)
Bieber: Also, I just wanna let you know dawg, errythang you just said I’m gon’ use in tha prologue to my autobiography, you will receive no credit, no monetary compensation, and your existence will not be acknowledged in any other way either.
Officer 1: You’re writing an autobiography at 19 years old?
Bodyguard: (leans in to officers) Nah, someone told him “autobiography” is a type of book, he thought it meant funny stories about living cars who travel the world. He’s writin’ one now about his Ferrari visiting China or something. I woulda told him what it meant for real, but I was so shocked that he knew how to etymologize a word, even though he did it completely wrong, that I just let it slide. Plus he loves drawin’ the pictures for ’em. Also he released a book on tape of him singing the last one he wrote and it sold 20 million copies, so…
Bieber: In my new autobiography my Ferrari races tha emperor of China fo tha sickest secret orange chicken recipe in tha world. He says he wants to race to outsmart tha emperor cuz my Ferrari knows it’s hella fast but tha emperor don’t. Tha emperor just be all like, “Yo who dis car think he is?!?”
Officer 1: Okay, well actually, let’s talk about your Ferrari. You hit someone with it last night. Can you recall the incident?
Bieber: I was just doin’ what I do. I hopped in my ride, cranked a beat wit Twist, revved up my sick ass engine, fought off a seizure from the flash bulbs, ‘n took off. I didn’t know I hit nobody.
Officer 2: You dragged him with your car. You really didn’t notice that?
Crew Member 1: YO JAY AIN’T GOT NO TIME TO BE AWARE OF HIS SURROUNDINGS! HIS SURROUNDINGS NEED TO BE AWARE OF HIM! Go outside ‘n ask dat tree who’s house he at. He gon’ say Jay Billz Sneakthief aka Justin Bieber cuz he know respect. Paparazzi ain’t got no respect.
Officer 1: So you’re saying you didn’t see the man?
Bieber: Nah, nah, there was crazy flashbulbs goin’ off. I couldn’t see nothin’.
Crew Member 2: That was mad disrespectful of them Jay. Not lettin’ you drive yo Ferrari, cuz yo drivin’ is an artform, like a crazy fly ballet of tha sickest road swag. But simultaneously I understand dat they had to be takin’ straight up a million pics of you cuz tha world ain’t nevuh got ’nuff pics of you Jay. Yo face, yo sick tats, yo smile, yo hair, yo drop crotch leather tunics, they brighten this world like a thousand stars, yo.
(*Justin Bieber’s lawyer runs in screaming*)
Bieber’s Lawyer: Why’d you start without me!?! Strike everything! My client has nothing to say! We’re countersuing for 10 million in damages!
Beiber: Awwww mannnn. Tha grownups is herr. I’m bored already. I’m takin’ a nap yo.
Crew Member 2: Dream up some new beautiful dance moves.
Crew Member 1: Yo Jay, when you wake up, will you write yo dreams in my dream journal? I like yours better than mine.
Officer 1: Jesus Christ. You know what? Screw it. That asshole photographer was in the middle of the street, let’s just pin this on him and get the hell out of here.