TMZ has a video of Justin Bieber pissing in a mop bucket and shouting “Fuck Bill Clinton” at a picture of Bill Clinton, which he also sprays with some sort of cleaning fluid. To most people, the former is what stands out in the video. Justin Bieber pissing in a mop bucket in the back of a restaurant and OH NO THOSE POOR HARDWORKING, BLUE COLLAR LABORERS THAT HE’S DISRESPECTING! WHAT A HEARTLESS, SPOILED JERK!
Truth be told, I don’t care that Justin Bieber pissed in a mop bucket at some bar. For starters, I’ve peed in much worse places. Bieber peed in a mop bucket. That’s actually one of the most considerate non-toilet places to he could have possibly peed in at this establishment. And no, there aren’t any custodians or bar employees suffering because Bieber pissed in a mop bucket. It’s not like whoever was going to be doing the mopping that night was going to be sticking their hands in there. On top of all that, people are forgetting that urine is sterile, and that this is a mop bucket at a place where people get drunk. Aside from the fact that there was probably already piss in there, Bieber’s fresh pee was likely cleaner than most of the fluids already residing in the mop bucket.
Before I continue, here’s the video courtesy of TMZ:
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Here’s my take away from this video: I was right. My God I didn’t even realize how right I was. What was I right about? Bieber’s crew. It’s like what they were saying in this video was ripped straight from my past Bieber dialogues. They tell that random guy (who is inexplicably just standing on the stairs staring straight down at Bieber’s dong) that he’ll “forever remember that,” in reference to his seeing Justin Bieber going number one. In the crew’s defense though, that guy probably will remember that forever, but still, to them where Bieber pees is hallowed ground, which is exactly what I assumed they would believe. Then they go on to celebrate Bieber’s uniqueness by saying, “You’re not gonna remember him pissin’ in the restroom. Like everybody does that.” And, of course, best of all, when the guy on the stairs first asks WHY Bieber and crew are back there taking a leak, their response is simply, “We swagger man.” Oh, and they named themselves the ‘Wild Kidz” (I assume, as TMZ does, that they spell it with a “z”). “WILD KIDZ IN THIS BITCH!” they shout as they run up the stairs giggling like little girls who’ve just done something naughty.
It was always a safe assumption that Bieber and his crew were a bunch of slang shouting dickweeds, and that Bieber’s crew members were blindly obsessed with him, but I’m still stunned by my own accuracy. Sorry, I don’t mean to jack myself off here, it’s just that I don’t have a crew to do it for me. Without further ado, here’s how I imagine this entire scenario played out.
(*Justin Bieber sits at a bar table with two Crew Members. His Bodyguard stands in front of the table. Bieber and his crew are clearly drunk.*)
Bieber: Ey yo where duh baffroom? I need tuh make mad tinkles.
Crew Member 1: Jay you need any help dawg? I’m just, like, herr fer you. Whatevuh you need dawg.
Crew Member 2: If I could, Jay, I’d finna straight up take pisses fuh you. It’s mad disrespectful dat a playboy as fly as you gots tuh be excretin’ nasty fluids cuz you straight pure, son.
Crew Member 2: Yo it’s mad disrespectful dad ‘dose fluids even wanna leave yo crazy tight body. I’m just sayin’, if I was in a Lambo wiff a paint job dat was as sick as yo tats, Jay, I wouldn’t never get out dat mofo. I’d be inside it fo-evah. (*under his breath*) I wanna be inside you fo-eva, holmes.
Bodyguard: Damn, how much ya’ll have to drink? This is gettin’ weird even for you. Jay the bathroom’s in the back, dawg.
(*Bieber gets up and stumbles to the back of the bar. He tries to open the bathroom door, but it’s locked. He starts banging on the door.*)
Bieber: EY! EY! Who in dere? I gots to make pee yo!
(*Bieber’s Crew runs up and starts banging on the door.*)
Crew Member 1: (furious) EY YO! OPEN THA DOH! You know who be out herr?
Crew Member 2: You can’t be disrespectin’ our boy like dis. We gon’ get WILD on yo ass. WE THA WILD KIDZ!
Bieber: Yo dawg that nickname be tight as fuuuuuuck. Dat’s what we callin’ us now.
Crew Member 2: Jay, dawg, you don’t even know, but dat means the straight world to me dawg. I feel like, yo compliments, when dey hit my errs it be like God himself is just wrappin me up in his warm ass wizard beard and sayin’ dat errythang’s gon’ be tight, but it’s even bettuh ‘dan dat, cuz you wise AND fly. You got kind eyes and instead’uh some creep ass beard you gots sick ink.
(*Bieber grabs his penis like a 5-year-old would and starts dancing around.*)
Bieber Ey yo I appreciate the compliments ‘n I’m prolly gon’ make you whisper ’em in my err latuh when I’m tryn’ tuh sleep, but fuh now I just need tuh make mad tinkles fo I bust up.
Crew Member 1: Damn Jay you bustin’ up a move right now. Yo dance always be so fly, even when you don’t mean ’em to.
Bieber: Yeah I’m already mentally catalogin’ dis fool. Imma call it duh “Pee Pants” ‘n do it to uh dubstep wiff toilet flushes. Nah, BACKWARDS toilet flushes! Shit dey ain’t NEVUH heard be-fo. Yo we need to get our asses tuh Australia and record MAD toilets.
Crew Member 2: The beauty of yo art makes me weep at night.
(*Bieber grabs his penis again*)
Bieber: Ey yo I can’t wait no mo! Let’s go!
(*Bieber and his Crew run to the kitchen. Bieber looks around, sees a mop bucket, and runs over to it. Crew Member 1 starts filming, because of course he does*)
Crew Member 1: (narrating) Whatup world! Welcome tuh tha flyest piss you evah seeeeeeeeeen!
Bieber: Damn yo, all dis runnin ‘n piss dancin’ has made me feel dizzy ‘n sick.
Crew Member 2: Yo Jay Imma pray dat dat sickness n dizziness gets from all up in you to all up in me. Any’fing dat’s yours you can just straight up put in me. For realz.
(*The Bar Manager walks down into the kitchen*)
Bar Manager: Excuse me!?! This isn’t the bathroom.
Crew Member 2: YO THE BAFFROOM’S WHEREVA JAY SAYS IT IS. BE GRATEFUL YOU EVEN IN THE PRESENCE OF JAY’S EXPOSED JENNIES!
Bar Manager: What in the name of God are you talking about?
Crew Member 1: Quick lil piss break, ya know? Quickest restroom we could get to.
Bar Manager: Why the hell didn’t you use the bathroom upstairs?
Crew Member 1: We swagga man, ya know? Dis is just a lil walk tuh piss. Ya know you’ll fo-eva remember dat. You’re not gonna remember him pissin’ in the restroom. Like errybody does dat.
Bar Manager: All of you look 12-years-old. Why are you even here?
Crew Memeber 2: Ey yo, what are we?
(*Everyone starts giggling and running upstairs*)
Bieber/Crew: We duh fuckin’ Wiiiiild Kidz yooooo!
Crew Member 1: WILD KIDZ!
Crew Member 2: WILD KIDZ IN THIS BITCH!
(*Bieber spots picture of Bill Clinton, decides to “get wild,” picks up spray bottle, sprays picture*)
Bieber: Fuck Bill Clinton!
(*Everyone starts cheering, they run back out to the bar*)
Bodyguard: Goddammit. Where’d ya’ll go?
Crew Member 1: Jay just made mad pee up in a mop bucket it was straight the dopest joke I evuh seen!
Bodyguard: Jay, dawg, you can’t be actin’ like that in public man. People gonna get angry.
(*Bar Manager runs up*)
Bar Manager: You need to pay your bill, pay for your damagers, and leave immediately!
Bieber: (nauseous) Yo I feel sick. Just give this dude three K n let’s go.
Bodyguard: Jay what’d you break for three thousand dollars?
Bieber: Dat thang I peed in was gold.
Bar Manager: It was plastic…
Crew Member 2: YO JAY GOT A C- ON HIS HOME SCHOOL CHEMISTRY CLASS SO UNLESS YOU A MAD FLY SCIENTIST DON’T BE FRONTIN’ ON JAY ‘BOUT WHAT SHIT’S COMPOSED OF.
Bieber: But it was yella…
Crew Member 1: Yella like gold, yeah mothufuckuh!
Bar Manager: It was plastic. Fifty dollars will more than suffice.
Bieber: Oh, errythang dat’s yella in my crib is gold so I just guesstimated. Can we go now? I’m feelin’ mad sick.
(*Cut to the limo, ten minutes later. Bieber is throwing up and crying. The Crew Members are crying too, worried about the pain Bieber is in.*)
Bodyguard: Damn, how much did ya’ll give him to drink?
Crew Member 1: (crying) He just had duh one rum ‘n coke! I’m so scurred fo you Jay! Imma post dis video I made of you pissin in tha mop bucket so erryone can see you was take no prisnuhs til tha last minute.
Also, fuck you Justin Bieber for disrespecting America’s drunk uncle. You’re a foreigner, so I don’t take kindly to you insulting ANY president. You think your wild kidz are wild? That guy got blown by a fat chick in the White House. Zero. Fucks. Given.
Image via FameFlynetUK/FAMEFLYNET PICTURES