Kansas Lawmaker Proposes Bill That Would Allow Parents And Teachers To Haze Kids, Hard

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By haze I mean spank, but really, when it comes to little kids, isn’t spanking just corrective hazing? Well, unless there are parents out there who make their children do wall sits while they drink Ten High and choreograph latently homosexual dance numbers for their hot pants- and cutoff shirt-clad kids. But that’s just gross child abuse, and likely teaches very little in terms of subjects pertaining to why you shouldn’t pick on your little brother.

Spanking, however, is different. Sometimes kids need to get spanked. I was spanked as a child. It didn’t work, at all, but it definitely happened. So what if spanking doesn’t work? Should you find new, more effective ways to discipline your child and teach them lessons? Nah, fuck that pussy shit. Hit those little fuckers even harder. Am I right, Kansas legislature?

A Kansas lawmaker is proposing a bill that would allow teachers, caregivers and parents to spank children hard enough to leave marks.

Current Kansas law allows spanking that doesn’t leave marks. Rep. Gail Finney, a Democrat from Wichita, says he wants to allow up to 10 strikes of the hand and that could leave redness and bruising.

In theory, I can’t disagree with this law, if only because there is no more effective way to get a child to eat his or her vegetables than to say, “If you don’t eat your greens, you’re gonna be black and blue.” Children appreciate threatening wordplay. Is there any word on the legality of menacingly stroking a rifle as you ask your child to take out the trash?

While giving your kids open-handed, mark-leaving beatings is certainly great for discipline, as well as parent-child relationships, what if the parent isn’t there to whoop some ass? Well don’t you worry. Parents can give permission to others to kick the shit out of their kids now, too.

The bill also would allow parents to give permission to others to spank their children.

Nuns, however, do not need to gain parental consent, as they have permission from God to smack any little kid they see fit.

In the very hypothetical world in which this bill passes (more on that in a minute) it would be likely that most times this conversation between parent and teacher would be initiated by the parent. But it would be absolutely fantastic to watch a teacher ask the parent for permission to hit his or her kid.

“Well, Mr. Brown, it’s just that Jeremy has been quite the disruption to class lately, and it’s getting pretty hard to control him. Despite the fact that I have a teaching degree and have been entrusted with shaping your child’s mind, I honestly can’t think of a better solution to his class disruptions than by hitting the shit out of him. So what do you say? Can I spank your child with enough force to leave a mark, but no more than 10 times in one session? Come onnnnnnn.”

In fairness to Kansas, this bill is getting blown way out of proportion by liberal outlets because, “LOL middle America isn’t smart and tolerant like us.” Yes, the state that’s home to the Westboro Baptist Church and in the process of passing some pretty backwards discrimination laws is definitely shitty in a lot of ways, but even the Kansas legislature thinks this bill is absolutely stupid.

Rep. John Rubin, chairman of the House Corrections and Juvenile Justice Committee, says he isn’t sure the committee will even consider the bill.

Personally, I have no problems with spankings, but if you can’t get through to your kids unless you hurt them enough to leave a mark–or need other adults to hit your kids for you–you are in all likelihood a very, very shitty parent.

[via KOMU]

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