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Ladies, Please Stop Stealing Our Hats Right Off Our Heads

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Hello, Internet. You might know us here at TFM as the source for your mid-class boner (ladies too) or your newfound popularity around school for vomiting smoke after swallowing and choking on a lit cigarette. But today, we’re putting the boob luges and laughs at your expense aside and addressing a pressing epidemic that has been running rampant on college campuses nationwide.

Every single hour, thousands, if not millions of unsuspecting young men are put in the crosshairs of ruthless, cold-blooded predators, yet the mainstream media has done nothing to stop or even acknowledge perhaps the most hard-hitting issue of our generation. Women have been forcefully taking our snapbacks, fitted caps, and duckbill bent hats for decades now, and it’s time we finally open up a dialogue and shed some light on the hot button topic.

No Y chromosome is safe: brothers, sons, friends of friends who have the addy plug, that dude Patel from your group project in Quantitative Business that handed out free drinks with paid admission cards to the shadiest club in town. It doesn’t matter who you are. If you have yourself a main vein — regardless of whether it leans slightly to the left or a little more to the right — and one of your favorite lids firmly placed on your head, you will be targeted the second you let your guard down.

Women are freaking ninjas, man. They lurk in the shadows or hide in plain sight waiting to strike with precision and speed. Brads, Chads, hell, even dads on parents weekend need to keep their heads on a swivel. Their dearly beloved Mitchell & Ness can be swooped clean off their noggins in the blink of an eye at any moment. Before they can even process what just took place, they helplessly watch their hometown colors fade off into the distance on top of some five foot damsel’s dome before she vanishes into thin air like a pair of broken taillights on a dirt road during a foggy night.

Studies actually show that 9 out of every 10 U.S. male undergraduate students will eventually fall victim to hat theft no less than a dozen times during their college tenure, while the other ten percent are self-admitted “fedora guys.” And these aren’t familiar faces of girlfriends or side chicks snagging hats in a crime of passion or in a playful manner. 75 percent of those robbed had no previous or post interaction with their perpetrator. Women are seemingly going out on the town to bars, fraternity houses, and tailgates hat hunting for sport. It’s become a sick twisted game to these Kleptopatras. They don’t care if it’s a crisp, fresh-out-of-the-box retro Brewers “glove” cap or the neon “party with sluts” snap you copped spring break 2014; homegirls these days will rock anything by night’s end.

There’s no compassion. No remorse. No consideration that maybe your pops passed down his favorite ballcap on his death bed with his last words being “Here’s something to always remember me by, sonny boy,” or that it was a super clean lid that tied the whole outfit together. Nope. Not one thought about how they’re about to royally fuck your whole day up by forcing you to be out in public with your hair looking like a head of iceberg lettuce. They’re just a few vodka crans deep and on a mission to get a super cute Instagram with their newly acquired accessory before tossing it into their closet and never thinking about it again.

These honeys are essentially serial killers collecting trophies. Robin Hoods that steal from the poor and give to themselves. But enough is enough, ladies. I’m asking, no, I’m pleading for you mamis to leave our damn hats on our heads and earn it the old fashion way. Flirt with us for a brief bottle and cork relationship and at least give us the impression that we have a chance of going home with you like a civilized human being.

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Dan Regester

Dan Regester @Dan_Regester is a Senior Writer and Content Manager for Grandex, Inc. Delco trash. UCF alum. Famous FIJI on Wikipedia. Bit of a gambling problem. Advocate of shipping the homeless to Mars. Email tips to Dan@totalfratmove.com

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