That blessed time of the year is finally upon us. The leaves are falling, the cider is piping hot, and decorations are popping up. The high-waisted shorts have retreated from whence they came, and everyone’s favorite article of stretchy clothing has begun to wrap the asses of chicks across the country.
Alas, yoga pants season, or “Dude Fall,” is officially here, and we’re all rejoicing. Don’t get me wrong — the Summer of Underbutt was amazing, but the real gift that keeps on giving is, and, God-willing, will always be, yoga pants.
I still remember when yoga pants first arrived on the scene. I was overjoyed that girls were walking around in what looked like black spray paint. I was even more surprised to learn that they actually preferred this over normal pants. The rest is the stuff of post pubescent legend.
Let’s be honest here: 90% of chicks wearing yoga pants don’t actually do yoga. So why are these skin-tight butt huggers so popular?
Chicks will always tell you it’s because they’re comfy. Bullshit. Sweat pants are the most comfortable pants on the planet. There is no debate.
The real truth here is that there is nothing quite as drool-inducing as a well-toned, business class pound cushion in a pair of tights. The nearest rival I can think of is the side-boob. And when you combine the two, you have the modern equivalent of Helen of Troy.
What praise of yoga pants can I sing that hasn’t already been extolled?
For starters, a key driving force behind my love of yoga pants is that, for the most part, you always know what you’re getting. There’s no tucking a fupa into that waistband. There’s no padding that secretarial spread. Fat is fat, and flat is flat.
Unfortunately, that truth only works in the extremes. Yoga pants are essentially the wearable version of beer goggles. 5’s become 6’s, and 6’s become 8’s. It becomes difficult to differentiate a bubble butt from an lackluster tailpipe. When you combine that with actual beer goggles, you essentially become the Ray Charles of booty.
That being said, the complimentary nature of yoga pants can work in your favor. Does your girl’s ass look like someone poured Bisquick down the back of her pants? No fucking problem. Throw some yoga pants on it. That ass will be looking tighter than Lindsay Graham’s campaign budget. In the immortal words of my grandfather, “If you can’t bounce a quarter off it, send it packing.”
At the end of the day, yoga pants are awesome for all parties involved. Girls get to “feel comfortable” in non-pants, and guys get to slobber over the black silhouette of da booty.
The next logical step in the evolution of yoga pants? Figuring out how to have sex with them still on. Someone start a Kickstarter for crotchless yoga pants..
Obligatory photos of Jen Selter and other yoga pants princesses:
Image via YouTube