Let’s All Say A Prayer for Jennifer Aniston
There’s no use denying it; we’ve all had our wild nights and regrettable moments. If you’re anything like me, you’ve made a few mistakes in your life (usually with the best of intentions in mind), and some of those have included a questionable hook up. These mistakes do not make us bad people, and do not define us. For example, unknowingly hooking up with a cute junior in a top tier house during bid week when you’re a pledge does not make you a whore just because one of the seniors in your new house had a crush on said cute junior. You were none the wiser, and there was no harm, no foul. However, if you were to knowingly consummate an adulterous relationship with the object of your sister’s desire, you would probably be the worst person in the world.
That being said, I would like it to be known that I truly believe Angelina Jolie may be the spawn of Satan. Let’s look at some of our initial clues: she chose to make weird, edgy movies (she was a hipster before hipsters were hated world-wide). She wore her former white-trash ex-husband’s blood in a vial on her neck. She has an excessive number of creepy tattoos. Not to mention the fact that she once said she’d like to “taste everyone in the world.” While all of these actions are certifiably cringe-worthy, and DEFINITELY NS, they are far from the worst thing she has ever done: Angelina Jolie intentionally stole the husband of America’s sweetheart, Jennifer Aniston.
I know that it takes two to tango, and clearly Brad was a skeeze in the making, but Angelina KNEW that Brad was married and decided to pursue a relationship with him anyway. In the words of the infalilble Gretchen Weiners, “ex-boyfriends are just off limits. That’s just like the rules of feminism.” The only situation that could be worse than dating an EX boyfriend is a current one, trumped only by…a husband. I can’t imagine the pain Jen must have felt during this entire situation. It seems completely impossible that a perfectly well-groomed, well-spoken, and well-loved woman could ever lose her husband to someone who resembles an anorexic, tranny Muppet impersonator. While it must have been excruciating to watch the new couple parade around the world with their band of misfit foreigners (oops, I mean adopted children), she could at least take comfort in one thing: she was his wife, and it was clear Angelina was just his girlfriend.
BRAD PITT WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU. I can no longer believe in the institution of marriage if these two are wed (perhaps I’m exaggerating, but still. WTF). Angelina Jolie deserves to be holed up somewhere in a studio apartment of broke-ass Brooklyn, not planning a wedding to a man who was once half of the most perfect couple alive. While it’s obvious that I am very emotionally invested in the situation, I would like to make one thing clear: Angelina Jolie, regardless of however many babies she adopts from countries nobody can pronounce, is and always will be alone. You’re nobody without your sisters, friends, and supporters, and it’s blatantly obvious that Angelina Jolie has none of those things. I’d compare her to the annoying GDI girl who hangs around at the coffee house and takes her Victorian literature class seriously, priding herself on being an “individual” and “not being materialistic at all” (translation: she has no friends, and can’t afford anything nice). She is a new reincarnation of evil, and should never be trusted.
In real life, when some crazy, Democratic geed tries to steal your boyfriend, you rally with your sisters and plot to end her life…Or, at least make her miserable enough to consider transferring to her hometown community college (a much better fit anyway). In Hollywood, it’s not quite so simple, and the bad PR that comes with blatant vengeance far outweighs the bad PR we’d experience if a sister gained 15 pounds and became known as a blow job queen. So Jen has become the picture of class and perseverence. She has kept her beatiful blonde head held high, and has even made out with John Mayer. I highly suggest saying a little prayer for Jen tonight, and having an extra glass of wine for her during this difficult time. While it’s never easy to see your man with the white-trash version of you, there is one comforting thought she can sleep to tonight: when a girl like Jen plans her wedding, an elimination process to determine the bridal party rivals that of America’s Next Top, due to the ample selection of beautiful best friends. When someone like Angelina plans her wedding, save cousins and blood-related sisters, it’s a lonely day at the altar. Who the hell will Angelina even have stand next to her, that lesbian daughter of hers? Gross.