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R.I.P. Richard Dawson, You Magnificent Kiss Stealing Bastard
Kissing every attractive female contestant is how a real man hosts a game show.
Radical Islamists Take Over Parts of Mali, Force Any Man and Woman Seen Together to Marry on the Spot
I'm not going to lie, this would make for a HILARIOUS sitcom.
This is the Worst Thing That Ever Happened Anywhere, Ever
Giant super venomous spiders are seeking out humans and attacking them in India? Excuse me while I go cry for the next five hours. If this was happening near me I wouldn't even buy RAID or whatever. I'd fashion a homemade flamethrower and set the world on fire.
Man Taxidermies Dead Cat, Turns it into Remote Control Helicopter
This is how Skynet is going to lure lonely women into their robot death camps.
Yet Another Reason to Hate the New York Mets
Bill Maher is now a part owner of the team. Good thing he's already an atheist because I assume anyone rooting for the Mets on a daily basis abandons their faith in God pretty quickly.
The First and Only Night the Cleveland Indians Offered Ten Cent Beers
By the fifth inning my interactions with the vendors would've gone something like this: (*throws a handful of dimes at vendor*) "Gimme that many! And some Goddamn nachos (*sways*) WITH juh-lap-EEN-os... fuggin' bitch." (*falls over dead*)
Ladies and Gentleman Your New Miss USA
I didn't watch the pageant but I assume Miss Rhode Island's exceptional talent and well rehearsed intelligent answers in the Q&A portion are what carried the day.
When is it a Bad Idea to Take Out Student Loans?
When your plan is to go to culinary school. Well done sir, you deserve every penny of your $140k in debt. Next time your dad tells you to be an engineer instead of a chef, maybe you should listen.
Taylor Lautner Set to Play “Frat Boy” in Adam Sandler’s Grown Ups 2
I predict a popped collar and Rob Schneider doing a HILARIOUS keg stand.
Brian McKnight Writes Another XXX Song, This Time About YouPorn.com and Butt Sex
Person I most want to meet in the entire world: Brian McKnight's muse.
George H.W. Bush Has Excellent, Patriotic Socks
If you're wondering why he's in a wheelchair but Babs is still walking strong, this is why.
The Hardest Partiers in Sports
How did O.J. Simpson not make this list? That guy takes "rage" to a whole other level.
An American Soldier Needs Your Help
Read about the story of Taylor Morris, a 23 year-old Navy EOD Tech who lost all of his limbs.
T. Boone Burns Drake on Twitter
The last time I saw Drake get owned that hard he ended up in a wheelchair.
W. Heading Back to the White House… To Have His Portrait Officially Hung
Sorry to get your hopes up.
Gonorrhea Becoming Resistant to Medicine, Plots World Takeover
Coming soon to a pharmacy near you: "McGillicuddy's Penis 'n Bleach Boiling Kit." It'll be the only way to stop the cheesy discharging menace.
Ohio State GDI Likes Bar In Spite of Greeks
They played "Call Me Maybe" four times in a row? Sounds like that bar is awesome BECAUSE of Greeks.
University of Chicago Fraternities Are Sort of Racist, Sort of Funny
How ADPhi didn't think making their pledges mow the lawn in sombreros was a bad idea is beyond me. But I'm not going to lie, DU's Conquistador Bros and Aztec Hoes party tagline of "Bring an unlimited need to conquer, spread disease and enslave natives,” is pure gold.
Some Danish Kid Played a Sex Tape Starring Himself at His High School Graduation… TFM.
Which makes the time you Tebow'd at your own graduation seem even lamer than it already was.
Vanderbilt Football Coach Won’t Hire an Assistant Coach Unless Their Wife is Hot
And if you get married under his employ he will enact his right of Prima Nocta and violate your new bride, unless she's an uggo, in which case you're fired. In other news, Vandy still sucks ass at football.
