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Local College Student’s New Puppy Not Helping Him Get Laid

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ATHENS – After many laborious hours locked in a study room processing mountains of data, third-year sophomore Jason Samuels discovered that the adopted labrador retriever puppy which had previously helped him pull women from every Panhellenic sorority on campus was now actually hurting his chances of getting laid.

The news was an epic letdown for both the young shotput star and his squad in general, all of whom frequently allude to Jason “getting it six ways from Sunday,” and then punch him in the arm. Although the pup, affectionately named Skipper, had initially catalyzed Jason’s status as a chick magnet, the student began to worry after his dog began displaying troubling behavior and was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder following a breakthrough counseling session.

Apart from being painfully shy around any women who tried to touch him, Skipper would sometimes share embarrassing stories about Jason’s past and was a negative social influence, encouraging Jason to mix alcohol with harmful narcotics.

“Weeks ago, this dog was helping me score perfect tens time and time again,” said Jason, who for the purposes of this story we should emphasize is “a truly ugly bastard” who has been described as resembling an evil Muppet. “However, recently, Skipper has developed a nervous tick and thinks it is fucking hilarious to hump peoples’ unsuspecting legs as some sort of sick party trick. Rather than helping me rake in babes, lately this dog has been a hindrance to my various schemes.”

Despite Jason’s efforts to distance himself from Skipper, the puppy had formed a dependency that was difficult to shake, and would constantly follow Jason around at parties instead of putting himself out there and mingling with others. In later weeks, Jason found that Skipper had infiltrated our friend group just enough to receive last-minute invites to Bucket Night.

Rumors surfaced on Tuesday that Jason had found a new home for Skipper and was now looking into adopting an eight-month-old infant, as “girls fuckin’ love those things.”

Image via Shutterstock

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