A lot of people might have watched last night’s game and quipped “LSU’s offense was just plain OFFENSIVE,” and then quickly looked around the room waiting for someone to laugh. That was before they realized that, in fact, no one else was there to begin with, then no doubt they tweeted it. Those people deserve to die. Specifically a slow, ironic death, so that others may make mild, snarky quips while they perish. I’d be more than willing to volunteer my services as a quipster. I’ve already got “Well he doesn’t seem BEAR-Y happy” in my back pocket in case they’re mauled by bears. Full disclosure I may have already used that one when I watched “Grizzly Man.” Either way, it killed.
But regardless of what I think is and is not an acceptable way to insult a football team, there is no two ways about it, LSU’s offense was a bright yellow abortion last night. Of course that’s what happens when Jordan Jefferson is quarterbacking against the sport’s best defense. Having Jordan Jefferson go against the ‘Bama D is like having a drunk stewardess pilot a B-17 over 1942 Berlin. They both kind of, sort of belong where they are, but not really at all, so the situation is bound to end in disaster (the latter because a WOMAN is flying, amiright?).
I hope LSU fans went shitballs crazy last night. When you can’t outplay a team, you can at least out drink their fans. I am positive this was attempted last night. I hope the LSU fans took it one step further too. I hope they tailored their reactions to the way the game played out. Angrily drinking and throwing out “what ifs” like they’re a pledge’s belongings simply is not enough. To borrow from a hundred different douche bags on Twitter, I hope LSU fans were as “offensive as their offense,” because Gent Tips can blow me. I also hope they got specific with it.
In honor of Brent Musburger jacking off LSU’s punter for the entire first half (partly because he’s senile, and partly because there was no one else to talk about) sorostitute Tiger fans should have been shamelessly giving out hand jobs to every bar back on Bourbon Street. Also every LSU fan should have ditched their bar tab last night, as a tribute to the shutout. Tiger backers should definitely take pride in knowing that they put more thought and preparation into their drinking plans than Les Miles put into his offensive game plan. As for the Honey Badger, well anyone who passed out before making it to Bourbon Street paid a pretty solid tribute to him.
Everyone also should have taken a shot for every time Musburger said the words “Honey Badger.” That might have ended up killing someone, but don’t blame Brent. His mind has pretty much checked out. I think he only meant to say it once, but kept forgetting that he already had. In any case it’s better than declaring a game was for “All the Tostitos,” because he was hungry and confused and wanted nachos (or as he calls it, Mexican cheese salad). I’m going to stop beating around the bush, Brent Musburger has no idea where he is anymore, ever. If only his voice would fade with is mind, they could finally put him down. But that sweet, smooth baritone marches on in spite of all that is natural. I’m afraid one day he’s going to die and ESPN will have his corpse manned by two puppeteers, one pushing air up his throat while the other manipulates his vocal chords. Meanwhile Herbstreit will be standing there horrified and Erin Andrews will be fighting back silent tears on the sideline as she’s forced to have a quick witty exchange with the talking cadaver. No, the only way Musburger’s getting out of his ESPN contract is via sexual harassment, just like everyone else.
But in reality LSU fans actually spent the night emulating the spirit of Jordan Jefferson’s shovel pass by saying “Fuck it, let’s just make this shit up as we go along and act like we aren’t aware of how badly it’s going to end.” Don’t let last night be the end of the debauchery. Obviously LSU fans will have to take a short break in order to maroon Jordan Jefferson in Louisiana’s most isolated swamp (you knew the deal Jefferson!) but after that, back to fucking shit up! For the rest of the year LSU fans should give as many fucks as Alabama’s defense gave their team points. But look at the bright side, at least an SEC team won! Of course that probably isn’t as comforting this time around.