Gay-zing Needs To Stop

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Today Barack Obama unveiled his gun control plan. It included, among other things, an assault weapons ban. While I’m sure the TFM audience has varying (HA!) opinions about this ban, I think they can agree that there are other things that should unequivocally be banned.

Long boards, for example, should be banned from sidewalks. Long boarders should be forced to ride in the streets. Not only will this ban increase the safety of pedestrians who are constantly harassed by this GDI menace, but it will decrease the safety of long boarders. Win-win.

A ban on asking questions with less than five minutes left in class would also be sensible. Nobody wants to hear a front row sitting geed kiss ass and stroke off his academic effort when they’re trying to rush back to the house for lunch before everyone eats all the goddamn chicken tenders and ruins what was supposed to be a glorious hangover lunch. If you need attention that badly, wait until after class and ask the professor one-on-one, asshole.

These bans make sense. Another ban that makes sense, and should be absolutely instituted by every single fraternity in the country, is a ban on any hazing that can be legitimately described as “sexual in nature.” I realize that this technically is banned by all the fraternities, but so is hazing in general, so let’s not be naive here.

I’m not talking about a ban from national organizations, we already have plenty of those. What I mean is an actual effort to police yourselves and rid the fraternity world of one of its worst stigmas. Because really, if your house practices “sexual in nature” hazing, or “gayzing” as it is also known, you fucking suck, and you and all of your friends are creeps.

If you want to be friends with a bunch of dudes and do weird sexual things with them, join a bathhouse, not a fraternity.

This isn’t an attack on homosexuality, nor is it a call to end hazing, don’t mistake this as either. This is purely an attack on gayzing, which is essentially sexual assault, by the way.

To a non-Greek school administrator, someone who would use broad definitions to define “sexual hazing,” something as simple as paddling could be classified as such. Obviously any fraternity man knows that paddling does not come close to actually fitting this definition, even if the pledge gets hard while you’re paddling, THAT’S ON HIM.

Elephant walks, ripping the underwear off pledges, whatever…it’s fucking weird, this shit needs to stop. It’s also generally not very creative, entertaining, or effective to begin with, so what’s the point? Police yourselves, guys. If one day you find yourself standing in a room with your brothers, and across that room are thirty exposed, swinging, 18-year-old dicks, maybe take a step back and ask yourself, “Hey, why am I in a room with thirty exposed, swinging, 18-year-old dicks?” I’m guessing that will turn into a real self loathing moment of clarity.

It might be hard for some people to gauge what is and isn’t gayzing, because really it almost all falls into a gray area. But truthfully, most guys know deep down what is and isn’t gayzing. Things like paddling and a pledge class streaking run aren’t the same as making all the pledges jack off right before a serenade so that they’re all hard. The former are lighthearted shenanigans. The latter is the first eight minutes of a gay porno.

If someone is really that conflicted, my suggestion for a gayzing barometer would be to do this: If it’s something you wouldn’t tell a good buddy who isn’t in your fraternity as a “funny story” because you think they might be weirded out by it, then it’s probably gayzing, and you should cease doing it immediately. It’s not perfect, but I think it works for most cases.

End gayzing once and for all. When you’re in a fraternity you should be blacking out drunk, not blacking out molestation.

Image via The Guardian

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Bacon

Bacon is Director of Video Content and a Senior Writer for Total Frat Move, Rowdy Gentleman, and Post Grad Problems. He is a graduate, without honors, from the University of Missouri. His fake best-selling novel series, The Frat Romance Novel, has been self-described as a "pioneering achievement in satirical erotica." Bacon is originally from St. Louis, and currently lives in Austin, Texas. He still has not admitted to his family what he does for a living, and is prone to having wet nightmares ever since losing his virginity in a haunted house. Email: rob@grandex.co

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  1. 17
    All I Say is NF

    This needs a “Is It Gayzing” flow chart graphic. Bacon, tell the intern to get on it. Also, if an original “TFM; Is It Gayzing?” Flow chart graphic does appear on this site, I think it would be cool if I could get some credit… a free copy of the book would be ideal.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
  2. 10

    Motion for Bacon to make a follow-up column “Rushing: How to tell a faternity is Gayzing”

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago

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