The number one thing ruining college campuses these days isn’t political correctness run amok, draconian drinking rules imposed by universities in a futile attempt to curb partying, or even moron bicyclists who deserve a stick jammed into their spokes. Instead, it is the misguided notion set forth by university housing departments and campus realty companies that students need to live in sleek, modernized residencies equipped with the latest and greatest amenities in order to feel truly comfortable on campus. From the University of Illinois to Drexel to UT-Austin to Mizzou to the University of Wisconsin-Madison to Miami (Ohio) to the University of Arizona, the splendor of countless college campuses is being raped by these modern developments.
This is bullshit. Every other generation of college students has lived in what would be most generously described as “squalor” without complaining about a lack of luxurious amenities, and they turned out just fine. Since when the hell is comfort a requirement for your college abode? All you need is a roof over your head, running water to flush your huge, runny beer shits down the toilet, electricity to power the fridge that keeps said beer cold, and a space large enough to fit a single bed so you can give some rando an express ride on the Pound Town Express. Sorry you can’t have fancy things like reliably functional air conditioning, Mr. Rockefeller, but those are the brakes when you’re a broke-ass college student. No wonder kids are so soft these days.
Nevertheless, campuses across the country are moving forward with projects to significantly upgrade and build new living spaces. Dormitories that closely resemble county jailhouses in terms of room size and disgusting communal areas are undergoing renovations to make more spacious rooms and common areas that would put luxury hotel lounges to shame. Since mostly freshmen live in dorms, why are schools spending tons of money and expending valuable resources to make such extravagant living spaces for them? They’re basically the pledges of the college system, and they should be treated as such. They need to pay their dues and spend a year living in the equivalent of an Abu Ghraib prison cell before earning the privilege of moving into some place slightly less shitty. Besides — if you’re living your freshman year right, it shouldn’t matter what your dorm room is like; you’ll never be in there.
Even worse than the fancy dorms are the luxury apartment complexes that are starting to pop up on campuses all over the country. They look like metropolitan condos and are completely out of place on a college campus. What kind of Greg Marmalard motherfucker moves into these kinds of places? The rents are heinously expensive, and the building is sanitized to the point that it’s completely void of character. And just because you move into a place that’s new, clean, and equipped with top-of-the-line appliances doesn’t mean you’ll suddenly stop being a slovenly piece of shit and actually take care of the place; no sane college kid will. Might as well save the hundreds of dollars in rent every month to live in a dump of an apartment that you can throw parties in and destroy with impunity.
Not even Greek life — the industry standard for questionably habitable living spaces — is immune to this pernicious trend. A lot of chapters are building bigger and nicer houses for actives to live in. I’m talking places that are nicer than some of the houses you’ll see in upscale, suburban subdivisions. What could possibly go wrong with moving an entire chapter full of actives on a warpath of drunkenness and destruction into a place like that? That place will turn into a Detroit-style shanty faster than a pledge can recite the Greek alphabet. I would trust a pack of wolverines to not tear the place apart more than I would a group of active fraternity members. They’re better off continuing to live in a house that’s barely fit for occupation until it’s run down to the point of condemnation.
Living in shithole dorms, houses, and apartments is an integral part of the college experience, and not just because it’s common sense to house a bunch of hard-partying 18-22 year olds in a pit that landlords are indifferent about getting destroyed. It’s an important exercise in character building that you emerge from having gained valuable life experiences and lessons. You’ll either gain a greater appreciation for the nice place you move into sometime during your postgrad years, or you’ll be fully prepared for a lifetime of living in crappy places because it’s all you can afford on the salary you earn at your mediocre job. By spending your college years in a pampered dorm or apartment, you are actively contributing to the pussification of our college campuses and America as a whole. Don’t be afraid to slum it up with the rest of us. It’s more fun down here, anyway..
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