You can say whatever you want about the north, but one thing is undeniable, Wisconsin knows how to party.
1. We love to drink. Hell, even our youth love to drink, and Wisco lets them. In a big double freedom rockets power move aimed at those stiffs in D.C., Wisconsin lets kids of all ages drink in bars if they’re with their parents. Want to get your six year old son smashed? Come to Wisconsin.
2. A multitude of fraternity legends have come through here, including Chris Farley, Paul Ryan, Steve Stricker, Ders from Workaholics, and… I don’t know… I guess Jeffrey Dahmer probably counts.
3. Milwaukee is always high on, if not at the top of, every “Drunkest City In America” list.
4. Mifflin Street Block Party.
Commonly referred to as Mifflin, the University of Wisconsin-Madison’s end-of-the-academic-year block party annually attracts tens of thousands of UW students and students from around the Midwest alike. Mifflin is one of the biggest parties in the Midwest, rivaled only by Little 500 and Unofficial. Mifflin is where Heisman Finalist Montee Ball was arrested last year, providing an unpleasant beginning to his offseason that ended with him getting assaulted on a street corner.
Recently, however, Mifflin has had some problems. It all started when Mifflin was declared to be too fun. That’s not even a joke. What has generally been described as the best Mifflin ever occurred two years ago. There was puking in the streets, open containers galore, some friendly stabbings, and of course, public urination.
“Too much fun,” the city declared. Because the good students of Wisconsin apparently aren’t allowed to have that much fun, Madison cracked down hard on Mifflin last year, specifically citing the stabbings, and claimed it was for student safety. Instead of just bitching, they should’ve been like me and attempted to capitalize on the situation. My friends and I designed a shirt to sell at Mifflin last year. It was deemed so phenomenal our student newspaper even featured it in an article.
Reading that article clipping can give you further insight into the city’s level of pussification.
In 2011, about 23,000 people showed up to Mifflin with 167 citations given out. In 2012, only 5,000 people showed up to Mifflin with over 500 fucking citations given out.
According to that trend, it appeared that this year’s Mifflin would be either the same, if not smaller. Then the Madison Police Department released a statement to residents:
There will be no Mifflin Street Block Party on or around Saturday, May 4, in 2013.
Okay, guy. You know you can’t completely stop Mifflin, right? Mifflin IS Madison. I’m still going to celebrate. What are you gonna do about it?
oA ‘no tolerance’ policy will be enforced at illegal house parties throughout downtown
oIf you choose to have an illegal house party; you will be cited for any and all violations
oIf you are arrested/cited you will face sanctions by the UW Dean of Students
Then they dropped this bomb.
There will be NO Mifflin Street Block Party in 2013 or beyond.
“Or beyond”? The fuck? That’s kind of a big jump there, fellas. Talk about piling it on.
Needless to say, this letter caused mass chaos among UW students. My Twitter feed was flooded with fraternity men and geeds alike complaining about that bitch Madison stealing their beloved Mifflin.
I too was pissed. I already had my Mifflin planned out. I was going to have sex with 9 ones, which of course is the equivalent of bedding a 9, all while intermittently chugging whiskey and beer. Maybe I’ll even get a blumpkin, they are ones after all. It would have been a nice little day.
So that’s it. After 43 uninterrupted years of partying, Mifflin is no more.
Or is it?
An update to this debacle came out yesterday.
“I just wanted to clarify that we, the city, are not canceling anything,” says Mark Woulf, the city’s alcohol policy coordinator. “We’re taking the same approach we did last year, which was to react to the crowds.”
YES! IT WAS ALL JUST A MISUNDERSTANDING!!!! MIFFLIN IS STILL GOING TO HAPPEN! THE BLUMPKINS! THE GLORIOUS, GLORIOUS BLUMPKINS! I was so excited for Mifflin I was shaking like Lil Wayne after drinking a Big Gulp of purple drank.
Then I kept reading.
“There was no decision made this year to quote ‘cancel’ anything, because there was no proposal set forth for anything on or around Mifflin Street,” he said.
What this goober means is that the city isn’t cancelling Mifflin because nobody took the initiative to make Mifflin an official event by getting a street use permit. Since nothing was actually scheduled, the city therefore has nothing to cancel. How students are interpreting this, however, is something along the lines of, “FUCK YEAH MIFFLIN’S BACK!”
So it appears as if Mifflin will go on just as it did last year. When it comes to the enforcement, however, I’m not so sure. Say what you want, Woulfman, but I’m going to go ahead and trust the police on this one. They’re the ones busting us. You’ll just be sitting in your office, falling back on your little loophole, while the people your office is meant to serve get cited for the party you’re leading them to believe they can safely have.