It’s interesting — this is not the first email of the sort I’ve received since the fall semester began. There are pledges out there not being hazed properly, or at all, and some of them aren’t too pleased about it. Even more concerning, at least a few of them were so disgruntled about their hazeless pledge experiences that they felt inclined to write me about it seeking advice. And like I always say, a disgruntled pledge is one that needs to be hazed. I’ve never actually said that before, probably because it doesn’t make much sense. The life of a pledge is inherently an unhappy one already, but if your pledges are this outspoken about your failing pledge education process, you’re not performing your job adequately.
Idle hands are the devil’s workshop, and unhazed pledges make up his unruly workforce.
In this Mailbag, the second of the week, we hear from a pledge that isn’t being given the hazing he thought he’d be receiving. He was ready for it, mentally preparing himself over the summer before the assumed onslaught of mind control tactics, bows n’ toes, early mornings, house cleanings, paddlings, etc. He’s unhappy about it and he’s considering dropping. I actually kinda feel for this kid. He understands the value a rigorous hazing regimen presents, and he feels cheated. That’s a rarity in a pledge — an otherwise admirable trait (were he not a pledge). Imagine his attitude at the end of a real pledgeship.
Here’s the email:
I’m a huge fan, love reading your stuff and fuck you.
I’m a freshman at a small college in the south. I’m currently “pledging” a fraternity. I used those douchey quotation marks because you could hardly call it pledging, because we are not being hazed. During rush week it was all “we have a no haze policy,” but from reading TFM I knew that was code for “we’re gonna haze your balls off”. Before coming to college I mentally prepared myself for the probable hell I would face because I knew it was part of the brotherhood and tradition. On the night me and thirty other of the new guys in my pledge class got our bids we were told how lucky we were because we weren’t actually going to be hazed at all. Most of the other guys in my class were overjoyed but I was pissed. So now I’m stuck in no mans land. Is not being hazed a legit reason for leaving? Would another fraternity take me at this point? Could I just get another fraternity to haze me while I remain in mine? I need answers soon, Dorny I need em real bad.
1000 Fuck yous,
That’s the greatest sign off I’ve ever seen from one of you assholes. 1,000 fuck yous right in my face by the Unhazed Pledge. I almost don’t even know what to do with that — it’s that good. It also shows evidence of a lack of hazing, but that’s obviously not his fault. One million fuck yous right back at you, Unhazed Pledge.
Now, let’s answer these question one-by-one, then I’ll offer a final solution at the end.
“Is not being hazed a legit reason for leaving?”
No, not in my opinion. The pledging experience is all about building relationships with your PBs. Now, obviously getting hazed can greatly catalyze that process, but it’s not the only way. You’ll have to get creative, but it can still be done. You have a greater responsibility now. Just don’t count on the active chapter to help you out.
“Would another fraternity take me at this point?”
Not the kind you’d want to join. Proud chapters don’t pick up scraps from others weeks into pledgeship. It shows inferiority and desperation. Also, from the perspective of a current pledge accepting someone new into his pledge class, the situation seems pretty bleak. After you’ve been through some real shit with your pledge brothers, weeks into the process, how welcoming would you be of the new guy? Not very.
Only bottom-tiers who need numbers would welcome you.
“Could I just get another fraternity to haze me while I remain in mine?”
Now that’s an interesting idea.
Pledge Scott: “Does anyone know where Phil has been all night? I didn’t see him during study hours and now he’s missing out on Thirsty Thursday. Phil loves Thirsty Thursday.”
Pledge Eric: “He’s at the Delta house.”
Pledge Scott: “The Delta house? Uh, why?”
Pledge Eric: “He’s getting hazed. Tonight is ‘wall sit night.’”
Pledge Darrel: “I tried to talk him out of it. This is his second time going. He loves it.”
Pledge Scott: “I don’t understand. He likes getting hazed?”
Pledge Darrel: “No, he loves it.”
Pledge Scott: “That doesn’t make any sense. Doesn’t he know how lucky we are to have joined a NON-hazing fraternity? We have it made!”
Pledge Eric: “Phil said you’d say that. And in the event that you did, he wrote down something for me to share with you. I have it right here. *Pulls paper out of his pocket.* It says, ‘Hey Scott, quit being a f***ot!’”
Unfortunately, Unhazed Pledge, this is an implausible scenario. It’s just not going to happen. No fraternity will knowingly accept an external pledge into their sacred lair under any circumstances, especially not for a hazing session.
So, here’s what you’re going to do: leave them no choice but to haze you. You know when their chapter meetings are held, correct? While they are in their meeting — all in the same place at the same time — you’re going to host a rager in the house. If the meetings are held at a location outside the house, that is perfect. If the chapter room is in the house, as most are, you’ll have to devise a plan to lock them inside. This thing is to be a five-keg minimum throwdown. Make sure your entire pledge class is present. Invite every girl you know. And finally, show zero respect for your surroundings. I’m talking about swinging-from-chandeliers partying. Just tear that place apart.
If they don’t haze you after pulling a stunt like that, then you definitely should drop and rush again in the spring. That “fraternity” is no more than a glorified study group. Buncha nerds.
If you’re still unsatisfied after all this goes down, buy a plane ticket to Austin. TFM Intern will pick you up at the airport and drive you straight to the HQ for a night you’ll never forget. We hazed the Stockholm Syndrome into the Intern. We’d sure as shit have a field day with you.
10 million fuck yous,