Mailbag: A Real Life High School Fratstar Needs Help

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Nice Move

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The following email brings a topic to the forefront that seems to have become a recurring theme around here, at least from what I have noticed. The high school frat star epidemic is one that regularly comes up on this site, and the general consensus seems to be that it infuriates almost all of you. To add, we, the editors of the site, have been blamed as having created this high school monster.

A friend of a HSFS is reaching out for help. Read the email.

Subject: Letter from a nephew in need

Dear Uncle Rodge,

As you know, the Masters got kicked off today, so we are equally busy and i’ll try to keep this short. I am a high school student residing in Austin, and I go to a school practically obsessed with the wonderful site ya’ll have been operating. But, there is a downside to this.

One of my peers has gone overboard with what he calls the “Frat Lifestyle”.

He has every color of the Polo blake oxford on the market. He insists on referring to all freshmen as “pledges” and any girl as a “slam”. On Fridays, he usually wears a blazer with shorts. He is constantly bragging about being a legacy at Kappa Sig. He shotguns teas in the courtyard after school. He despises anyone that wears cargos, and calls them geeds.

This was very funny at first, but he has progressively turned into more of a douchebag. Reading this, it honestly sounds too good to be true, but I assure you that this kid exists. When he showed up to school in a matching PFG shirt and short combo with his costas and croakies on today, I decided that it was time for me to consult you.

What is your take on this kid? I look forward to showing him your opinion.

Best wishes.
*************

Following this email that I received at 6:41 PM last Thursday, and believing it to be, as the emailer put it, “too good to be true,” I had to exercise some due diligence.

“Is this real?” I responded.

The concerned friend quickly fired back: “Dillon is your real name? And yes, thank you for actually responding.”

Yeah, pal, my real name is Dillon, and with this email I was beginning to believe I had a live one on the line. My excitement grew.

“That’s my name alright. Which high school do you go to?” I pried.

“I go to [Austin area high school].” With this response, mixed with some old-fashioned gut feeling, I determined the email to be sincere and authentic. Each letter was typed with a heavy heart, and it came through my computer screen as such — a real genuine concern for his bud that I found quite touching. My newfound, recently pubescent friend saw his buddy on a slippery slope of douchebaggery (as he puts it), and this was his cry for help. Frankly, I’m honored he sought my wisdom.

Listen, Johnny High School, you are a good friend. The manner in which you’re trying to save this HSFS is very admirable. We could all use a buddy like you looking out for us. Even if this answer to your query falls on his deaf ears, you can hang your hat on that with pride. You did all you could do, valiantly.

Now to the point of your email, your buddy is too far gone to knock any real sense into. He screamed past the “committed” point a few “slam” drops and 20 oxfords ago. Any crawfishing on his part from this “frat lifestyle” that has taken over his life will show weakness, and he strikes me as a proud guy. He’ll ride this persona out until graduation, then beyond, most likely getting progressively worse in light of this development. He got called out. A true HSFS won’t take that lying down.

Furthermore, he’s what the site regulars refer to as a “try-hard,” but in this unique instance, his try-hardedness is multiplied by about a hundred thousand seeing as how he is still in high school, thus not yet eligible to join a fraternity. He calls people “geeds,” yet, by definition, he is one. He calls freshmen “pledges,” yet he soon hopes to be one. The hypocrisy is only rivaled by the ignorance.

Simply put, he needs to pace himself. There is nothing wrong with taking pride in your appearance, but the blazer-shorts-croakie combo is so stupid I can’t stand it. Even if he were a 4th year exec member in a fraternity, it’s a chotchy look and originated as novelty attire, then it caught on and spiraled out of control to the misfortune of us all. It’s not a good look for anyone, not just a HSFS.

I do have some good news, though. Your HSFS friend will soon pay the piper, and his piper comes in the form of a pack of 19 to 22-year-old developing alcoholics with a penchant for hazing shaping the lives of young men. Their success rates are historically high.

“He shotguns teas in the courtyard after school.”

This is the only thing about this kid that I absolutely just love. Major props are due. You’re trying to tell me that the final bell rings letting everyone out of their final class, flooding the hallways and parking lot with impressionable high schoolers, and this blazered-up badass struts out to the courtyard with a canned Arizona tea — I’d assume drawing a massive congregation of hot high school chicks — pokes a hole in it with the keys to his ’94 navy and tan Ford Bronco, pops the top, tilts his head, then slams it among his peers, followed, I’m sure, by an authoritative power spike?

There isn’t a dry pair of panties within 50 yards of this HSFS once that empty can hits the ground. That’s a promise. In fact, moves like this may even breathe some life into the blazers-shorts look.

P.S. Look at this kid just casually starting off his email about how he’s busy following the Masters. In between texting his bombshell girlfriend, lining up which older sibling of a friend is buying booze for him the upcoming weekend and studying for Algebra II, he’s checking the Masters leader board and streaming Amen Corner live coverage on his laptop.

High school power move.

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