Note: The above photo doesn’t have anything to do with the column, but dat ass.
I’m gonna have fun with this one. What we’ve got here is a classic collegiate love triangle involving three students at Hofstra University — a guy and two girls. One of the three involved in the lovers’ quarrel is a young “frat star,” as he says. He’s painted himself into a corner with the poor choices he’s made, and he’s seeking my assistance in getting him out of it. He seems to be a bit peeved at one of the young ladies, because after he cheated on his girlfriend with her, she told the girlfriend all about it via text message, in detail, in an effort to bring him down.
Were her actions justified? Below the belt? Somewhere in-between? We’ll figure it all out in this week’s Mailbag.
Here’s the email:
Subject: frat star scorned
Hey Dorn. I’m sure you get a million emails a day but take a look at this one. I’m a young frat star in [name of fraternity redacted] at Hofstra University. I got in some serious trouble with the ladies recently. Some spiteful girl I used to bang recently was so sour that I chose to be with my girlfriend and not her, that she lured me into her evil web of a bedroom with her witch voodoo mind games. Unfortunately I was too weak to stay away and I cheated. She then went on to text my girlfriend what had happened with every little detail of information. I want to ruin this girl. Here’s a picture of the cover picture of my fraternity GroupMe chat. That’s the girl that fucked me over. If you can find it in your heart to blast this girl on the holy website TFM.com, I will forever be in your debt. I’ve submitted the photo but I’m not sure if it will get put on. Please help me get revenge on this girl. Thanks brotha.
(I deleted the photo at the request of the emailer.)
I can’t tell if this guy threw in the photo in an effort to shame and embarrass this girl, or simply because it’s a good photo. If he did it for the former reason, he’s failing. Either way, I decided to include it, because there’s not much wrong with this ass. It’s a good ass, a fine ass. Good for you on having this ass.
Now, for the facts I’ve gathered:
1. Dude’s a cheater.
2. He got busted.
3. He calls himself a “frat star.”
He now has the audacity to ask me if I’ll help him “ruin” the girl that he cheated with.
Not gonna happen.
Sorry, but I’m not in the business of ruining someone’s reputation who doesn’t have it coming to them. Was texting your girlfriend details of your sexual encounters the right thing to do on her part? No, it wasn’t. Do I feel bad for you that it happened? No, I don’t. The fish in the college sea are plentiful, and if you want to continue casting your line out to see who bites, all you have to do is maintain a strict catch-and-release policy. Hell, that’s how everyone does it. Don’t be a greedy asshole. And by that, of course I mean don’t hold onto a girlfriend with one hand and continue fishing with the other. I’ve got no sympathy for you.
I’m not meaning to preach to anyone about cheating from atop my high horse, so don’t take it like that. And honestly, I’m letting this one go 10 times out of 10 under any normal circumstances. It’s just that you had to go and ask me to ruin this poor girl. I can’t justify it. What’s the matter with you, son? You fucked up. It’s time to take your medicine.
P.S. Stop saying “frat star,” especially when referring to yourself. There’s not a more punch-worthy term in America right now.