Lately, my inbox has become a dumping site for every high school frat star tidbit you creeps come across (or make up out of thin air). Some of them are column-worthy, many are trash, and a few are clearly fake. While sifting through the many “Uncle Rodge, please blast my try-hard douche friend” emails, I came across one that caught my eye. This one is clearly real, as evidenced by the above photo, and it was probably column-worthy on its own merit, but since the high school involved is only about 10 miles away, as the crow flies, from TFM headquarters, I felt a certain responsibility to cover it. These students are among us. TFM is, at minimum, a catalyst in their fraternity-themed cultural movement. Hell, I think we’ve even rubbed elbows a time or two during lunch breaks with these future fratters of America.
Here is the email I received from a concerned alumnus of Lake Travis High School — home of Todd Reesing, Garrett Gilbert, six-time defending football state champions, and the Lambda Tau Eta Sigma graduating senior class:
Dear Uncle Roger,
My name is ***** ********* and I have some information about my old high school that you may want to write about in a column with all of this new “14-YOBA” and “High School Frat Star” bullshit.
I’m originally from Austin and went to Lake Travis High School; and if you aren’t aware, that means rich try-hard f*****s who love drinking from their parents’ liquor cabinet, getting handy-j’s in a movie theater, and TFM. Recently, I got to take a look at what the little jizz rags made as far as a senior shirt…Let me just tell you, it honestly took a lot of will power not to pull a Rebecca Martinson and verbally nuke these kiddos back to day care.
The senior class thinks they’re in a high school fraternity/sorority. Shit you not. “Lambda Tau Eta Sigma,” formerly known as Lake Travis High School, made their senior shirts that kind of make me want to assault a minor. There is a photo attached of the shirts.
Thank you for your time.
P.S. I asked you to haze my little bro like a year ago via twitter and I’m still holding you to that Rodge.
First of all, let me address this line:
“that means rich try-hard f*****s who love drinking from their parents’ liquor cabinet, getting handy-j’s in a movie theater, and TFM.”
Yeah, well, all that stuff sounds pretty fucking awesome to me. I’m squarely in my 20s, and I can get onboard with everything you mentioned in that one sentence. Being rich? It’s the American dream. Drinking from my parents’ liquor cabinet? Yep, I actually did that sitting poolside all day on Sunday for Cinco de Mayo. Doesn’t cost you anything and they usually stock the good stuff. Getting handy-Js in a movie theater? Um, where do I sign up? I can’t even remember the last time I got a tug, but I definitely remember them being pretty awesome back in the day. And I know for certain I never got tugged in a movie theater, not to mention multiple movie tugs as you insinuate by the plural use of “handy-j’s.” Like I said, all that stuff sounds pretty awesome to me. And TFM? Obviously, man.
Back in high school, I remember spending Tuesday through Friday afternoon trying to line up a parental liquor heist and a tug for the weekend. Up to this point, it sounds like the Lambda Tau Eta Sigmas are living the high school dream.
Let’s talk about the shirts now. As far as I’m concerned, there are two schools of thought to choose from here: A) these little high school nerds have no right representing Greek letters of any kind, just a bunch of try-hards, or B) you gotta respect the bold statement these kids are making — simply ahead of their time.
If you think I’m not buying the latter school of thought, you’re sorely mistaken. This is a forward-thinking, boss move. A statement. If I had to choose the quality I admire most in someone, it’s got to be cockiness. The Lambda Tau Eta Sigmas are just pissing on the feet of the entire collegiate Greek system, and I love them for it.
When they arrive on college campuses all over the country next fall, they’re going to be doing so with chips on their shoulders as big as their balls — the metaphoric equivalent of bursting into a 400-person lecture hall on the first day 10 minutes after class starts by running and jump-kicking open both double doors at the same time. They’re wearing their Lambda Tau Eta Sigma tanks, too.
They’re all going Greek, obviously — all first round, five-star, bluechip prospects. Riddle me this: say you’re hosting a rush party and a Lambda Tau Eta Sigma walks through the front door rocking this tank. Do you roll out the red carpet or do you roll out the red carpet?
Send me one of these shirts. I need one like I’ve never needed a shirt before. Size Large, please.
P.S. It would be my honor to haze your little brother.