It’s times like these that make me push my myself back in my chair, away from my desk, assess what I’m doing with my life, and think to myself, Is what I’m doing for a living really having an effect on young, impressionable American children? And if so, what effect is it having on them? A negative one? Am I changing and influencing these kids’ lives in a bad way? Is this my legacy? You’ll see what I’m talking about after you read the below email.
In this week’s Mailbag, we’re hearing from a young high schooler who has his sights set on the University of Arkansas. There’s only one problem, though — he’s not yet prepared for the upcoming onslaught of alcohol and drugs he’s surely going to be ingesting. After all, it’s college, and in college, it’s a constant battle of balancing your alcohol and drug intake while mixing in some studies when you can make some time. This kid, however, doesn’t drink or do drugs. This concerns him. And it concerns me.
Oh yeah, and he also may want to “be in a frat.” Here’s the email:
Since you’re basically the king of frats, I wanted to ask you for some advice.
I’m 16, I’m gonna be a junior in High School in two weeks. I know, I’m young, but your articles are fun to read. For college I am thinking of going to the University of Arkansas in Fayetteville, and I am questioning whether to be in a frat. I have never tried beer or alcohol before and I wanted to know what to expect when college starts. Obviously there’s drugs and alcohol involved in school, but I choose not to do it. I’m certain that I won’t do drugs cause we all know where the mind blown fuck ups end up in life, so I don’t do it. But I’ve be tempted to start drinking since a lot of people I know do it. I haven’t tried it so don’t be reporting me to any agencies or something.
To sum it down, I just need advice whether to join a frat and what should I be doing to prepare for the Greek life?
“Since you’re basically the king of frats…”
You heard the man. I’m basically the king of frats. Anyone think they can whittle a scepter out of a pledge paddle? If I’m gonna be the Frat King, I need to look the part, but I’d also like for it to be functional in case I find myself in the midst of an impromptu hazing session.
Alright, so you wanna be in a fraternity and you’re not sure about the drinking alcohol part that’ll surely go hand-in-hand with your fraternal experience. That’s like being a gay man with a penchant for wandering into aggressive gay bars, while simultaneously being unsure if you want to touch any penises. If you’re going put yourself in an atmosphere like that, you need to be ready for some man meat, and if you’re going to be in a fraternity and attend the events that go along with it, alcohol will be in your life literally at all times. You’re going to drink. And my guess is you’re going to fall into the 100% of people who enjoy it. Embrace it. It’s fun. Think of me when you’re hugging your first toilet, though.
Now for the drug stuff. This is where it gets ugly, I’m sorry to say. You’re almost guaranteed to get addicted to hardcore drugs during your fraternal tenure — none of that pot or cocaine bullshit, either. I’m talking PCP, black tar heroin, crystal meth, etc. There’s about a 95% chance of it, actually. Statistics don’t lie. In fact, out of everyone in my pledge class, I was the only one who stayed clean, save a few pre-party spliffs to set the tone, of course. College, man. It’s all about shots of plastic bottled liquor, shotgunning Natty Light, and needling up with your best buds. Don’t share needles, though. That could stifle your college experience greatly. I suggest you find a tried-and-true, yet mild, barbiturate to get addicted to within your first few weeks on campus. With a chemical dependency on that stuff, you’ll be more likely to stay away from the hardcores like heroin. It’s solid game plan anyway.
Finally, to answer your question, of course you should join a fraternity. You want to have fun, don’t you? You’ll kick your drug habit eventually.
P.S. Don’t do drugs, man. I never touched any of that shit. Look how I turned out.