Mailbag: I Am Disgusted By My Fraternity

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I hope you’re all pleasantly surprised that, given the nature of this title and last week’s seemingly never-ending racial theme, this column is not about racism. It is, however, about a different problem that has long plagued certain American fraternities: douchebags.

In this week’s Mailbag, we hear from a Pike alumnus who is “disgusted” by the current members of his chapter. Standards for membership, according to him, are all but gone now from this once proud institution. Upstanding young men have been replaced by no-sleeve-wearing, obnoxious hashtagging, group-mirror-selfie taking “dorks.” The email is below.

Hey Dorno,

Fuck you blah blah blah you like kids, okay whatever. To each their own.

Now, I’m attaching a picture of the fraternity I’m currently an alum from. I am growing to hate these dorks. They suck. They need a taste of reality. They are the biggest try hard douche nozzles of all time. All time. The picture I’m sending you needs to be considered for Fail Friday since these guys pay religious attention to TFM trying their hardest to be “frat as fuck”. Maybe they’d change their idiotic and toolish ways. I’m tired of donating money to these assholes. It wasn’t like this when I was there. We actually had these things called “standards”. They literally gathered every one up, went into the bathroom, and took a mega dork mirror selfie. I’m all about staying in shape and maintaining a healthy way of life but come on man, these guys are goobers.

Thanks man.

P.S They are currently getting ready to throw a “rager” themed “Magic Pike” (Like Magic Mike) where all the Pikes dress as male strippers and dance around because they are “SUPER SWOLL BRAH”.

The attached image:

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That series of hashtags combined with his rogue apostrophe makes me want to un-blur all their faces and expose them to the world to be ripped apart like the helpless prey of a pride of starved lions. The emailer didn’t actually ask me a question, so I guess he just wants some commentary on his situation.

The Instagrammer’s profile picture:

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Has a mirror selfie profile picture ever belonged to a guy that didn’t deserve to be lobotomized and/or castrated? We can’t be passing that gene along in our society. Let’s do the world a solid and Hitler this shit before it spreads anymore. It’s got to be the number one telltale sign of a self-absorbed, world class d-bag. You couldn’t find one normal picture that shows your guns, man? Not one? You had to take one yourself, alone, in a mirror? It’s barely acceptable for a girl. A serious offense for a guy.

Another thing: For your chapter to sign off on a “Magic Mike” party theme idea, one would assume that it was pretty close to a unanimous decision among the active members. It’s obviously an idea aimed to showcase all the hard bodies in the chapter, soooooooo what about the fat guys? Did the fat guys in this chapter okay the Magic Pike banger? Surely not, right? There’s no way they’re comfortable with a male stripper theme, you know, because they’re fat. That’s the quickest way to become an outcast in your own home/party venue.

Does this fraternity even have fat dudes in it? Because if not, it’s definitely not a respectable fraternity, if the above picture left any doubt. You gotta have fun fat dudes. Have to. Outgoing fat dudes who use their weight in a schticky way are just the best, aren’t they? They also legitimize your fraternity and bring tons of fun while doing it. They’re routinely the life of any party, well as long as they don’t feel pressured into displaying their not-so-desirable bodies in front of the fairer sex. That’s Chapter Building 101 stuff.

A fraternity filled with guys like the ones in this picture is a fraternity you don’t want to be a part of. They’re the type to shave their arms, sunbathe in groups, and drink vodka sodas at the apartment pool.

$1,000 says these guys are on a cruise right now for spring break. Total cruise ship spring breaker vibes coming from this group. Another $1,000 says they’ve hit the cruise ship gym a couple times already. Holy shit, these guys are vacation gym rats, aren’t they? Fuuuuuuuuck. The worst type of people. $1,000 more says they packed protein powder for their spring break cruise. Since I’m already up a few grand, let’s risk another $1,000 on these guys signing up for a poolside hard body contest. They want that SB2k15 Hard Body t-shirt so bad, and once one of them gets it, what chance do those sleeves have of staying attached? Negative one million percent chance.

Assholes.

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