I don’t know if TFM takes questions from girls, but you seem to have your shit together, so I thought I’d come to you with this sticky situation.
I’ll stop you right there, baby girl. Clearly you’re already disappointed when you saw Dorno’s name was nowhere to be found on this column. He’s out of the office, probably still freaking out over a months old fad like dabbing, so you get my unparalleled expertise instead. That old man has lost his fastball from being out of the game for far too long anyway. Not to mention, I’m slowly getting my shit together. I mean you’re talking to a guy that just started paying for his own car insurance, so you could say you’re in good hands. #SeamlessAllstatePlug
Did I lose you? Alright, hang in there.
Basically, about a month ago I met a cute, nice boy, we talked for several hours over a couple of days at a campus event, he mentioned he was pledging a frat, we added each other on social media, and then nothing happened. I wasn’t too troubled since I didn’t see him as much more than a friend then.
Well, a couple of weeks ago I re-downloaded Tinder since my midterms were over. Pledge and I matched, we started chatting and quickly progressed to texting, and the next night we ended up hanging out and hooking up (nothing past fingering/a blowjob). He said we should meet up again (mid-hookup, so not just as a half-hearted goodbye thing). I thought that would be great, especially since he said he’d go down on me and I’ve never had a guy do that but apparently it’s some dope shit (for the girl).
Few things. Homeboy was a few fingers deep in the jell-o cup when he said you two should hang out again? Was he asking your weekend plans when you had a mouthful of his piece? Did you call timeout between DJ Diddles sets? Weird move discussing future plans mid-hookup. Love the kid pulling the “I got you next time” card, though.
“I know we’re fooling around now and you already blew me, but I’ll munch that box… on a to-be-determined date, later on down the line.”
Savvy play on his part.
But it’s absolutely mind blowing that you went through your entire freshman year (safely assuming you’re a freshman) and didn’t have at least ONE smooth operator drunkenly meander on down to your birth cannon and go at it like a Rottweiler slobbering down his water bowl on a hot summer day. Are dudes not pressure washing the pink curtains on college campuses anymore? Or is it something with you? Self awareness is an extremely underrated quality nowadays. Keep it neat down low and be more adamant about receiving before giving. If you’re into getting off, then yes, it’s some “dope shit.”
The problem? Well, I obviously considered myself still a free agent since I’d only hooked up with Pledge once and he hadn’t texted me since, so I was still on Tinder of course. I matched with an active in Pledge’s house. He seemed cool, and we messaged for a few days. We agreed to meet up at the house, but just as I was about to go, I got a “hey” text from Pledge. I texted him back, but since I wasn’t taking any of this too seriously, I didn’t change my plans. I went up to the house, met Active, who is also really nice, ended giving him a blowjob while we watched the NFL draft (tfm?), and hung out with him and some of his brothers while we did homework. Very low-key and non-romantic. Active talked about some work the current pledge class was doing, and I mentioned that I knew Pledge because, again, I didn’t think it was a big deal.
I texted Pledge a few hours later about a joke we had made the previous weekend (when we hooked up). He texted back and said he had heard I was at the house, and we joked around about blowjobs and weed. I was surprised word had gotten around so quickly, but I thought we were cool. This weekend though, when I texted something conversational to Pledge (the one I honestly would rather have a repeat hookup with), I got radio silence. Of course I’m not going to try again because I’m afraid I’ve already embarrassed myself too much, but I want to know what’s going on inside his head. Is he disgusted with me because he thinks I’m too slutty? Does he feel like I lead him to believe we were more serious than just two friends hooking up, with no potential for anything more right now? Or is this a pledge/active thing about the girls they have any sort of sexual contact with? Maybe he’s just grossed out by the idea of being Eskimo brothers? Or could it be totally unrelated and he just suddenly went cold on me after being into me before? Any light you could shed on this situation would be appreciated.
Hear me out. Why not keep doubling down and just own being this chapter’s wet vac? Suck down half the house, get a cool name like “Ridgid” or “DeWalt,” and you’ll be well on your way to becoming the fraternity’s sweetheart by senior year. It’s not slutty, either. Blowjobs are essentially like holding hands at this point. If this pledge is disgusted by being eskimo brothers (not sure if that’s the term without penetration) with an active, get him blackballed. The kid clearly hasn’t bought in to this brotherhood. Not worth your time. Plus, think of how great you’ll look on that composite.
Let that freak flag fly, Cali Girl..
Check out today’s episode of the Inside TFM Podcast. Special guest, comedian Steven Crowder, tells us about his terrifying showdown with Trigglypuff at UMass, and we answer more of your deranged, drunken questions via phone and email. Listen below: