I present to you this glorious email that we got from a reader a while back of the most “terrifying, if true” formal story of all time. Prepare yourself.
Let’s say a girl I brought for the sake of a last minute search for a formal date, caught feelings. After 2 days. At first I didn’t mind it because she was smoking hot and could hang with the boys, but after a while it just got out of control, and it ended up with me getting run over by her car. Let me explain it from the beginning….
It was just another Friday night in the great alcoholic city of Athens, GA. Me and the boys were just pregaming for some dabauchery downtown at our house, when my friend Cole brings this girl over. I had to double take because this girl was a straight 10. That’s when the douchebaggery instincts kicked in and I HAD to try to Mack on her. So I slide over to Cole and try to make it the least obvious that I wanted to fuck her brains out and start asking him those stupid questions like, “Bro, where does your friend go to school? I’ve never seen her before, is she like a hometown friend?” He immediately responds, “shut the fuck up, she’s single, I’m not trying to wheel, it’s all you.”
God bless his kind soul.
So I continue to stroll my thirsty ass yonder toward this dime and of course give the signature of all college questions:
“Hey! What’s your major?”
She hesitated for a sec, I thought I did something wrong, but she quickly spits out with a cunning smile “psychology!” And, not with the slightest given fuck in the world, I respond “oh that’s so cool!”
Let’s fast forward to us going downtown.
So after a few jaeger bombs and mixed everclear drinks, we find ourselves stupid drunk and stumble over to the wall, making out and all. Then, probably one of the biggest mistakes of my life, my wasted ass asks “heyyyy yeerr hot, go too formell wiff mee” i couldn’t recall her response because I black out after that point. Fantastic right? Let’s move onto the next morning.
I wake up with a sense of hardship of moving my upper body, and realize there’s a female human being asleep on me. Woah. Who the fuck is she? And then all the flashbacks of the pregame come into mind, and I mentally high five myself. I wake her up (bc I needed her to get the fuck off me, I wanted Waffle House) and she immediately goes to kiss me and go “hey babe, I can’t wait for formal with you. You’re the best, I love you so much. Thank you so much for last night. I gotta go though, my friends picking me up and I gotta go back to… Uh… GCSU (local community college). But I can’t wait to see you next week!” And she runs off outside.
I was way too hungover to ask what in the fuck just happened, so I fall back asleep, not knowing what kind of destruction I caused to myself.
Fast forward to the day before formal.
Throughout the week, I texted her just shit about formal, like where it was going to be and what not, just really shallow things but I noticed something. She was really shady whenever she talked about school and shit, but I didn’t really see it as a big deal, because she told me the cooler she was making for me was super cool. Oh fuck yeah dude. But then she starts to text me a few hours before and says “hey babe… Can you venmo me 60$? I left my card at home and I’m already on the road and need gas. I promise I’ll make it up to you when we get to the hotel room.”
NEVER LET YOUR DICK MAKE YOUR DESICIONS. FUCCCKKKK.
I said “sure babe” and she was on her way here. My roommate Kyle was the one seeing all these red flags and he told me I should chill but, me not having jerked off in the past 3 days, didn’t see anything wrong.
So she finally gets to my dorm and I’m fucking thrilled about the cooler she makes, it was actually really dope. So I thought to myself “good shit, Kyle was sooo wrong about her, she’s so cool.” Wrong.
On the car ride to the Dirty Myrtle, this is when it starts to go downhill. Me, Kyle, and his date Megan were all just talking about school and what not and comparing our classes, but I noticed my date wasn’t talking. So I make the initiative to be nice and go “hey, so how was your day at school?” She stayed quiet. I was really weirded out. Then all of a sudden she starts crying…. Uh…. And goes “OKAY IM SORRY, I LIED. IM NOT IN COLLEGE, IM STILL A SENIOR IN [HIGH SCHOOL] (Editor’s note: He said she was a senior in college, but it is very apparent (as you’ll see) that he meant to put high school) I JUST REALLY WANTED TO BE WITH YOU AND HAVE A FUTURE WITH YOU IN ATHENS.”
WHAT? I didn’t know how to handle the situation so my dumbass goes “hey it’s okay, everything will be alright. You’re 18 right? (Always gotta check, not trying to catch that charge, ya feel). And she goes, “yeah but I feel like I just needed to get that out of my system, you still love me right? Because I love you so much baby.” Kyle looks at me through his rear view mirror, giving me that asshole “I told you so BOII” smirk, and I respond “yeah it’s whatever! Let’s just have fun at formal” and she grabs my face and starts making out with me and goes “I never want to lose you” I was terrified, but I was still thinking with my dick, so I just saw it as an opportunity to have weird, crazy sex.
After we finally got to the beach, we were all ready to go out and enjoy getting drunk underneath the sun, when all of a sudden, my date goes “I don’t want to go to the beach. I hate the sun. Let’s just stay in the room.” I took this as a “let’s just go fuck sign” and said for sure. So as we’re getting undressed and all touchy feely and shit, she drops “hey daddy, I’m on birth control too”
So I start rawdogging the fuck out of her and as I’m about to climax, she comes up to my ear and whispers “cum in me, I want your kids” and STRAPS her legs around me. Nuh uh, nope.
I literally have to squeeze my joy stick and pull the fuck out quicker than Kanye West the first time Kim wanted kids. I somehow break loose and quickly grab my clothes and start running down to the beach. I thought I lost her. I quickly find my roommate Kyle and go “yo we might have some problems” and I turn around to a crazy looking blonde in nothing but a towel screaming “SO YOU SERIOUSLY DONT LOVE ME HUH? YOU DONT WANT TO TAKE CARE OF ME? I WAS PLANNING ON MOVING TO ATHENS SO WE COULD RAISE A FAMILY. YOU HAVE ENOUGH MONEY FOR IT, AND I WOULD JUST TAKE CARE OF THE KIDS.”
I was so scared, I just started running toward the car. But of course, so did she. I was something shiny in her hand as well- the car keys. Fuck fuck fuckidy fuck fuck man. So she runs to get in the car and my scared ass just stands still and yells out “Can we talk ab—” I get cut off as I get hit with the back of my friend Kyle’s Tahoe. I didn’t know what the fuck was going on at this point. But I hear a whistle and deep set voices (probably cops, idk at this point honestly) coming behind me, and my formal date screaming “BABY STOP THEM, THEYRE HURTING ME”
So that summarizes why you shouldn’t go to formal with a random, last minute option(:
Or maybe just don’t go to formal with a psychotic high schooler who’s looking to tie down a guy she just met? Either/or, I guess.
Who knows if this is legit or not. Regardless of whether or not any of this actually happened, though, this man’s storytelling ability is very, very real, and we love him for it..