Mailbag: My Fraternity Is On Probation And Can Only Have Dry Socials, What Now?

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Nice Move

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The majority of my college experience was spent on some type of social probation. You try to play it by the book and get school officials to give final approval on any fraternity function and they put you on the back burner, make you jump through hoop after hoop, or pretend your organization doesn’t exist altogether. But run one illegal bar operation out of the backyard for two straight summers, charge freshmen guys $5 a head at the door and any goon you didn’t want to rush the same amount per beer, and make more money than the weekly allowance your parents cut you off from, and suddenly you become priority number one to university administrators. Funny how that works out. Sorry I believe in a little thing called capitalism, UCF.

With that said, our emailer could not have asked for a guy with better insight on our subject today: dry mixers. Let’s see what we’re working with.

Dan,

First time, long time. I really enjoy the articles on what to do in situations such as being kicked off campus, how to get a certain type of chick, etc. But I really want to know what you think about what to do when you’re on alcohol probation but can have mixers? My fraternity has been on probation since midway through my pledge semester, and we are allowed to have mixers but can’t involve alcohol or going to bars. We have cookouts and other lame shit but it goes terrible as a lot of people are awkward and don’t know what to do or how to socialize without alcohol. It’s so bad I’d rather just not have any mixers at all. I was just wondering what you guys recommend to do for sober mixers? Any help is greatly appreciated, thanks.

– Swank

No sober girl wants to eat the Great Value burgers you bought in bulk cooked to have the same texture as and taste of your standard issue hockey puck or have your overly competitive brothers missile Wilsons directly into their dolled up faces on the sand volleyball courts. Axe the cookouts.

Now obviously interacting with women without alcohol is a major concern. Having conversations about her major or where she’s from without liquid courage or music blaring into both of your eardrums is a daunting task. The last thing you want to do is relive those 4th grade YMCA dances where guys firmly stand on one side and girls are on the other and you come off like complete boners. So here’s a few options for you guys to work with.

1. Rent a shit ton of puppies

95 percent of the reason guys get dogs is to aid in the pursuit of pussy. Nothing serves as an icebreaker quite like an “Aw, he’s so cute.” If you’re even remotely personable, you’re leaving that interaction with a number every single time. Now imagine rolling up to a sorority house with 100 or so puppies. It’s the only time you’ll see a group of adult women both break down into tears of joy and uncontrollably orgasm simultaneously. Best bring your bathing suits because you’ll be entering the splash zone.

2. Throw a party with kegs of O’Douls

The school can’t give you a hard time because it’s technically a non-alcoholic malt beverage. Just tell the participating chapters it’s Natty Light and no one can tell the difference. The placebo effect will be in full swing, people will act like they’re buzzed, and you can even make fun of the brother that makes a complete clown of himself with a BAC of .000000001 and then blames it on being three sheets to the wind.

3. Hire a hypnotist

At the end of the day, having a genuinely good time and getting tricked into thinking you enjoyed yourself yield the same result.

If none of these solutions are an answer to your predicament, then maybe do some self reflection and soul searching and realize that you were the problem all along.

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