Mailbag: My Girl Wants Me To Shave Downstairs But I’m Not About That Life

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Nice Move

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A busy last couple weeks has resulted in a tragic Mailbag hiatus. Did you guys hear we went to Lake Charles for our boy’s bachelor party? Good time, too. Money was lost. People got pregnant. Anyway, we’re back, and we’re talking pubic hair.

Some culturally deaf 20-something is walking around out there proudly sporting man bush like it’s not totally weird and disgusting. He’s under the impression that trimming or shaving the hair on and around the penis and scrotum, commonly referred to as “manscaping,” shouldn’t be a thing.

His email is below.

Sup fuckface?

I normally wouldn’t consult an asshat like you for anything, but seeing as I’m balls deep in the biggest shit of my life, I figure it couldn’t hurt to ask you a question.

If you hadn’t noticed, there’s a trend going on here days where ladies shave their private parts. Pretty big fan of it. But now, apparently, there’s this thing called “manscaping” where we men are supposed to shave our pubes and shit. It sounds downright unchristian to me.

Anyway, this chick I’ve been fingering with my dick for like a month or two has been asking me to do it. I don’t know, man. Seems pretty fucked up if you ask me. I was brought up believing that a man is supposed to be a hairy beast that eats steaks and rails out slams on the reg. You think I should give in to the lady friend’s demands or keep on keeping on?

Thanks and go fuck your self.

I refuse to believe this guy. There can’t be more than like seven people in this country under the age of 40 who don’t at least take some scissors down there and give it a quick once over. No way. Most of us are going straight bareback with the clippers these days, right? Or maybe a one guard if you want to leave a little flavor. Male porn stars and some of your edgier types will even take a Bic to it for that sleek, prepubescent look.

If this guy is being sincere, if he really doesn’t so much as trim his pubes, he’s in a group of him, a handful of clueless foreigners straight off the boat, and this super weird virgin who does the stationary bike in our office complex weight room and showers with the curtain wide open. That’s it.

I don’t get that look. It just flat doesn’t look good. Unkempt isn’t the vibe you want to be putting out when it comes to the bedroom. And some of you short dick bastards need all the help you can get. Everyone knows manscaping gives you length. That’s the first thing you learn. A bush with only a couple inches of dick gives the appearance that you’re all head. No girl is down with that.

The real story here is that this guy — again, if he’s being truthful — is getting laid. Your school newspaper needs to make some room on the front page for this one. Story of the semester: Only College Student Left With Bush Goes Here, Getting Laid!

I’d read it. Too bad you’re a liar. You gave it away with the whole “this chick I’ve been fingering with my dick” comment. No girl wants anything to do with your finger dick if it comes with all that bush.

Image via Shutterstock


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