Mailbag: My Grandpa Is Receiving Nudes, Now What?

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We’re dipping back into the Mailbag this week with a question totally out of left field, and it’s got me relatively heated. Our emailer recently saw his 76-year-old grandfather open a text message from the back seat of his mom’s car on a roadie to the family cottage. It was a nude. He opens it, stares at it for five seconds, closes it, and puts his phone away. That’s the end of it. No harm, no foul. Our emailer wants to know if it’s weird that his grandfather is receiving nudes.

His email is below.

Dear Dorn,

First, I would like to say that after reading your bio, the one thought that came to my mind was how much enjoyment I would get from smacking you out on a golf course. Not physically, but like making you look so bad out there that you walk off the 18th green feeling like Tiger after his meltdown at Muirfield Village.

However, there is a bigger predicament here. Every year, my family goes up to our cottage in Northern Michigan to celebrate Independence Day. My grandfather normally just meets us up there but this time he drove with my mom and I. My mom drove, he was in the passenger seat, and I was in the second row behind the driver’s seat. At some point on the way there, my grandpa was looking at his phone and he gets a text. I wasn’t purposefully looking at what he was doing, I just happened to be looking in his general direction. Anyways, he opens the text and it is a nude. No face or anything, just tits. That obviously got my attention. He looked at it for roughly 5 seconds, then just put his phone away.

Obviously, I was shocked. I did not say anything because he is a single (divorced) man who can do whatever he pleases. The real question is, what do I make of this? Should I be proud of the guy? Or should I pity him for being that guy still trying to get nudes at 76 years old? Obviously boobs pics are great but I’m curious if it is possible that there is an age where it is just weird.

I don’t mean to be too harsh on you, and I honestly intend no offense whatsoever when I say this, but you are quite literally the WORST grandson a grandfather could ask for. Seriously, that’s the cold, hard truth of it. You’re a terrible grandson and an awful human being who deserves nothing positive in your life — just total isolation and depression and heartache. You’re a scumbag and your entire family would be ashamed of you if they knew about you outing your grandfather like this. You’d be shunned from Christmas and Thanksgiving and road trips to the family cottage where cherished family memories are made.

Halfway through your email, I was very confident that you were going to tell me your grandpa was peeping nudes with your grandma blissfully unaware in the seat behind him, but nope. I go on to read that the old man is single as fuck and looking to mingle? Fuck you, kid. Even had your grandpa still been married to your grandma, and even if she was sitting in the vicinity of this front seat nude sesh, you’d still be an asshole.

There’s no harm in peeping some tits every now and then. It’s our America-granted right to do so. Single, dating, married, a widower — it doesn’t matter. Men need to see naked women. It’s in our DNA.

And how presumptuous are you to assume this nude was sent to him by the owner of the tits? Not that there’s anything wrong with that at all, but come on, the man is 76. The chance that some 30 or 40-something is slipping him nudes in the middle of northern Michigan roadie seems slim to me. Chances are better that one of his boys from the rotary club got his liver-spotted hands on some fresh nudies and he’s distributing them out in a group text like guys are supposed to do. That’s Male Friendship 101 stuff.

I’m choosing to believe that your grandfather is dating some young hottie that he’s keeping from the family, though. Just keeping her under wraps to avoid judgement from the family and his nosey little fucking grandson. Some 48-year-old gold digger who’s built like she’s 38, with a nice set of cutters and a body that spends time in the gym. In that case, the man is just living.

Let him live. He’s 76, man. If he wants to spend his remaining days looking at tits, let him look at tits. Who knows how long he even has left? He’s got real stuff to worry about in his life, like stretching his retirement money out and when he’s gonna die and shit. And now he’s got some pipsqueak grandson looking over his shoulder at his cell phone and bringing it to the public’s attention because he received a harmless nude? Fuck that and fuck you.

I hate your guts.


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