Mailbag: My Slam Is 27 And Has Two Kids

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Nice Move

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I’ve got something sexy for you guys, and it rhymes with snailbag. Yep, it’s the weekly Mailbag, and it’s coming in hot this week from some dude who seems to have gotten himself into a very interesting, yet sticky, situation. He got locked up with a really attractive (according to him) young lady that gave him the key to the coveted city of Poundtown, but there was a surprise waiting for him as he awoke from his blissful, post-sex slumber. The surprise came in the form of a three-foot tall 4-year-old that may one day be calling him “Dad.”

Here’s the email:

Two weekends ago I had the pleasure of meeting a hot slam at a bar while at the lake. She was a sober 8.5 and for me I could tell she was in need of some love (dick).

So I began talking to her and one drink turns into several. Before I know it, I am inebriated and she drops a bombshell that she is a single 27-year-old divorcee with two kids whose father is in prison for 30 years (one of the charges was spousal abuse). So me, being drunk, took this with a grain of salt and I ended up going back to her place and doing the deed.

The next morning things got a little weird because I was woken up by her four year old running in yelling “good morning!!!” and jumping on the bed. Needless to say we were not naked at the time so she introduced me to Daniel, and personally I thought it was fucking weird.

Anyways we have gone out twice since then and it has been great partially because her ex (in prison) was rich and she was rewarded a large sum of money from the civil suit which she loves being able to spend on another guy aka me. I spend 0 cash, and also partially because she is hot as fuck and great in the sack. Basically my dilemma is at this point in time I am not really looking to long term date someone, but the perks from this girl are great, and I also have to bear in mind that hooking up at her place and seeing her kids (who never actually met their father) and are young and impressionable could begin to referring to me as father figure.

So do I reap the benefits and look like a bastard later down the road, do I break it off by the end of summer, do I explain to her my predicament?, or do I just go with the flow and see what happens.

P.S. she has a million dollar mansion on a lake front lot with two boats and jet ski’s

****** ******

Broken record: Yet another email from some barely literate ingrate comes to me in one long, jumbled paragraph. Seriously, here it is. I guess it’s a running joke at this point, but it’s not appreciated. And not funny. Not at all. Buncha animals, you guys are.

Anyway, I’ll still take a shot at this thing, because I’m a man of the people, and I believe in the people, even if sometimes the people are weird and terrifying and shouldn’t be allowed to roam freely in society. Plus, this one has some serious potential and I can’t get the image of this chick’s 4-year-old son waking his hungover ass up the morning after he spent the previous night fornicating with his mom. Dang kids, man. Gotta love ‘em.

One minute you’re knocking boots with a beautiful girl, probably thinking about how you’re going to strut into the fraternity house the next morning with your sunglasses on and your coat flung over a shoulder, ready to corral all your boys into the living room so you can prop your feet up on the coffee table and tell them about your latest sexual conquest. Then, the next thing you know, some little snot-nosed shit in Superman PJs is jumping on the bed, shouting his face off and spoiling your morning wood, and BOOM, you’re staring fatherhood right in the face. Talk about a 180.

Here is what I think you should do: go with it. It sounds like you’ve got a good thing going. You said she was an 8.5 and pays for all your shit; I also have to assume you enjoy her company since you’ve been out with her twice since hooking up and didn’t mention any negative qualities you’ve encountered during your time together. You’re living the dream, pal. You’ve got it all.

Finally, embrace the dad role. Just own it. Call the kid “son.” Demand that he calls you “Dad.” Take him to ball games. Swipe a few meals for him in the dining hall. Hang out with him between classes and take him to the frat house to show him off like a new pet. You’ll be the talk of campus. Think about all the trim you’re gonna pull after this 27-year-old fling dies down. Chicks love a guy with a kid. It’s their nature. Total chick magnets.

P.S. she has a million dollar mansion on a lake front lot with two boats and jet ski’s

P.P.S. Like I said, living the dream.

***

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Roger_Dorn

Roger Dorn (@RogerJDorn) is the Vice President of Media for Grandex, Inc. He's a native Texan with a full head of hair and knows his way around a nice box of red wine. Dorn graduated (BBA) with a GPA sitting in the meaty part of the bell curve, not lagging behind, but not trying to show off, either. Golf is his game now. He's long off the tee but can't putt for shit. Email: dillon@grandex.co

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  1. 17
    ice cold frat

    I couldn’t sleep last night because I was too busy thinking of the minute details of this situation.
    The only way she’d go to the bars with kids that young is by hiring a babysitter. Why are there no details on the sitter? Wouldn’t that be an awkward interaction? Was the sitter hot?

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 1 year ago

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