The Mailbag has been in hibernation for months now, but I’ve been looking for a strong submission with which to bring it back. This one certainly fits the bill.
A Kappa Sigma at San Jose State is seeking my help after his Formal date bailed on his ass. The formal dates of two of his boys bailed on their asses, too. He doesn’t go into why these three girls backed out of their commitments to attend Formal with them, which includes an all-expenses-paid trip to Vegas, but they’re out. The emailer, Kyle, would like to replace them, but he doesn’t want to settle on “some 6 with a bitchy personality.” He’s swinging for the fences.
Here’s his email:
Good day Mr. Dorn,
I am in dire need of your assistance. My name is Kyle VandenBrandHorninge (yes that is my real name and no its not hard to say) and I am currently an active brother of the Theta Iota Chapter of Kappa Sigma at San Jose State University in California. My brothers have planned our formal to be in Vegas this month for a weekend and frankly its going to be pretty badass.
The problem is that a couple of my brothers and I had our dates bail on us, 2 others besides me. This is where you come in. I already paid my bid and the trip is set in stone. We will leave San Jose early in the morning of November 21st and rage our faces off all weekend and return on November 23rd. I would be forever grateful if you would set my brothers and I up with some gorgeous and fun to be around dates.
If you could somehow contact some TFM girls that would be clutch because I’m not going to waste this rad trip on some 6 with a bitchy personality. I have attached a few photos of the brothers and I. Hope to hear from you because if anyone could pull, its you.
Thank you sir and have a nice evening. I have attached an application for potential dates to fill out in order to be considered for our drunk Vegas program.
My first thought while reading this: HOLY LAST NAME. VandenBrandHorninge? That’s five syllables, man. Do you know anyone with a five-syllable last name? You don’t. Have you ever seen anything like this name? You haven’t.
The attached photos of VandenBrandHorninge and his dateless friends:
The second thought that entered my mind while reading this came about halfway through, before VandenFuck let it be known he was looking for female replacements. I wasn’t sure where he was taking this and I began wondering if he was going to ask me to go with him. Kinda seemed that way, didn’t it? I felt honored and confused. As much as I love that town, and if we’re talking all my shit is paid for, it’s not an automatic decline for me. I’ll just say that.
Now, they want me to “contact some TFM girls” about attending their Vegas formal. It’d be cool if I had a giant rolodex of contacts for every attractive girl that has ever visited TFM, but I don’t.
So, all I can do is put it out there and see what happens. Dear ladies, if you would like to attend formal with these wholesome looking guys from San Jose State, your trip is paid for. Kyle is even offering to fly you into San Jose if you don’t live in the area. From there, you will take a chartered bus with his fraternity to Las Vegas. He wants you to be cool and hot, naturally.
If you would like to go on this free Vegas trip as Kyle’s date, or as the date of one of his friends pictured above, Kyle asks that you fill out the below application. It should be noted that he created this application. I had nothing to do with it. It has a mild creep factor to it if we’re being honest.
Applications can be emailed directly to Kyle at firstname.lastname@example.org.
All I ask in return for helping you out, Kyle, is that if everything works out, and if you get laid and impregnate your date, you have to name your kid Roger. With a name like Roger VandenBrandHorninge, he’ll never be without a date for Formal..