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Mailbag: Should I Bring Boner Pills To Formal?

This is a recurring TFM series. Catch up with all installments of Mailbag by visiting the archive.

bonerpills

The Mailbag returns this week with another ridiculous question by another demented college student. The topic: “boner pills.” Why? Because our emailer is going to formal in Las Vegas where he plans on staying hammered drunk for 72 hours straight and fears that whiskey dick will come into play and leave his date disappointed and horny.

The emailer is asking me if taking Viagra will guarantee him an erect penis despite consuming copious amounts of alcohol at his formal, because maybe he thinks I’m a doctor or something. He references my age while implying I’m a boner pill expert, but we’re not going to acknowledge that any further because it’s downright insulting.

His email is below.

Hey Dorno, eat a bag of dicks.

I seek advice on a fairly simple topic and I’m only asking you in particular because at this point in your life you’re probably an expert on boner pills like Viagra. I want to know if it’s a good idea for college students to consider taking Viagra or any other boner pill. Not necessarily to treat real erectile dysfunction, but with formal in Las Vegas coming up, I want my tallywacker to be running on all cylinders despite my 72 hour period of nonstop intoxication.

Would Viagra ensure my date not be disappointed by me experiencing whiskey dick? Would Viagra make sex better as a whole? Thanks for taking a break from writing about overweight men to read this.

Quick note: Great use of “tallywacker.” That’s a throwback term that I nearly forgot about. Love it. Tallywacker.

Alright, so true story time. I received a Mailbag submission from some kid a couple weeks ago about suing his university. According to him, the conditions inside his dorm were so terrible that it was making him physically ill and causing him to miss class. He asked me if it was worthwhile to sue his school. Just straight up legal advice.

Now this dude is asking me about the effects of dick hardening drugs like I’m a doctor or pharmacist. Look, people, I’m a lowbrow smut peddler with a business degree. I’m not trying to go to school for a hundred years to become anything more than what I am. I’m not a doctor and I’m not a lawyer.

Like I always do, though, I’ll give you my best effort, because I’m a man of the people.

The story about Dan Bilzerian having two heart attacks in one night comes to mind. One night in Vegas, Dan got super drunk and wanted to get some tail, but he had trouble getting it up on account of the alcohol. He popped a Viagra, waited, popped another, waited, then impatiently popped a few more (if I recall correctly) because his tallywacker wouldn’t cooperate. Long story short: his heart nearly imploded. Twice. Now, he was probably on some other narcotics at the same time and his system was trying to withstand a litany of uppers, downers, and dick drugs, but it’s a cautionary tale at the least.

If you’re going to pop a boner pill, just start with a low dosage and let it go to work. You’re young. Your blood is freely flowing.

Also, I have another idea so crazy that it might work. Bear with me here, but maybe consider not drinking so much that your dick stops working properly. Have you considered this option? Maybe tap the brakes when your motor skills start shutting down or whatever. Just a thought that popped into my head. Ever think about not drinking yourself into a coma for three nights straight, you stupid little shit? Then again, you’re the same guy asking a writer for an off-color website for advice on penis enhancers for senior citizens. I just don’t know what to do with you guys anymore.

You know what, screw it. Take three Viagras and head out to the dance floor and have yourself a fucking ball, weirdo. Clear the crowd with your dick and cause a scene. Swing that tallywacker around and do the Whip right in your date’s face. If she doesn’t immediately drag you upstairs to rip your chinos off and mount you, she’s probably a lesbian.

Again, let me remind you, everything I just said is 100% useless because I’m not a doctor. Idiot.

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Dillon Cheverere

Dillon Cheverere (@DCheverere) is the Vice President of Media for Grandex, Inc. He's a native Texan with a full head of hair and knows his way around a nice box of red wine. Dorn graduated (BBA) with a GPA sitting in the meaty part of the bell curve, not lagging behind, but not trying to show off, either. Golf is his game now. He's long off the tee but can't putt for shit. Email: dillon@grandex.co

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