Mailbag: Should I Give This Psychotic Kid A Bid?

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Nice Move

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I don’t know what to make of a Mailbag that has nothing to do with sex, but here we are. It’s like taking on blistering fastball after blistering fastball, fouling each one off just to stay alive, then a knee-buckling off speed pitch comes right for your face before breaking away from you sharply and catches the outside corner. I’m just not ready for it. On the bright side, though, this will be a nice change of pace. This place has been teetering on full-on smut blog here lately, so it’s nice to get back to the PG basics.

In today’s edition, an emailer shows me an email that he received from a potential new member that displays some downright psychotic tendencies. He wants a bid, I think.

Here is an email I received this morning from a potential new member.

“I really wanted to be dirty rushed right now like and not pay the dues and just come to events when you want me I want to meet the guys I can provide alcohol weed xanex anything I really want to be a brother as soon as my grades are good I really would take that into consideration I’ll act as a pledge please I can get girls to come to parties I want to participate it’s just the dues and things and next semester go through actually rush and do the same thing but be a brother I would be 3rd legacy.”

Should I give this kid a bid?

That’s the single most impressive run-on sentence in the history of email. Holy shit. It’s like a continuous stream of narcotic-induced consciousness in written form. It requires a true psychotic mind to write like that, to just ignore all punctuation and basically everything his English teachers have wasted their time trying to teach him. Half sad, half impressive.

Straight to the question now. The answer is absolutely yes. I’m not even sure what this kid is asking. I honestly don’t believe he even knows what it is he’s asking. But the answer is yes. We know he wants to party and meet the guys. We know he will bring the alcohol, the weed, the Xanax, or anything you need. His grades aren’t up to snuff, but he’ll let you treat him like a pledge, AND he’ll show up with girls. Is he able to pay dues? It doesn’t look like it. He initially implies he won’t pay dues, then he brings them up again, but it’s impossible to decipher what he’s trying to say about them. Don’t count on his check clearing his bank, but you have to look at the total package here.

Alcohol? ✓
Weed? ✓
Xanny? ✓
Girls? ✓
Ability to pay dues? No.
Legacy? ✓
Signs of psychotic, wildcard behavior that could be awesome or could totally backfire and bring your chapter to its knees? ✓✓✓✓✓✓✓✓✓✓

Profit. On top of it all, he’d be a triple-leg.

This is the type of guy who lasts one semester in school before he has to leave, either because he clocks a smooth 0.0 GPA and his parents drag him home, or because he gets popped trying to push hard drugs in the library. You may only get him for a short period of time, so enjoy him.

Just respond to him with these two words: “Fucking yes.” Then sit back and collect.

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