Mailbag: Some Dude Is Threatening To Release Nudes Of My Girlfriend

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One of the more confusing emails I’ve received for the Mailbag series is about an on-again, off-again pair of high school sweethearts who are still together, in college. This information alone is enough for me to advise that they break it off, but throw in some dishonesty and the threat of the release of some A1 nudes (at least I envision them being A1), and why am I even fielding this submission?

Our emailer, a freshman football player at a “D1 university in the South,” is going to be very single, very soon if he heeds my A1 advice.

His email is below.


My name is [name redacted], I play football at a D1 university in the South.

Well, me and my girlfriend have been dating on and off since 8th grade and I’m currently a freshman in college. My girlfriend and I have broken up and got back together countless times and we are currently together and I swear we are happier than we have ever been.

I always ask her about other guys that she hung out with and what they’ve done and stuff. I found out she was at a guys house with her friend at 4 in the morning once, and she swears they didn’t do anything, before you judge you have to know that she has a shy attitude and is generally honest with me (so I think.).

Well there was another guy that she talked to and hung out with a bit and he’s now away and unable to talk and doesn’t know that we’re back together. He’s a nice guy and I have no problem with him. Anyways, this guy took a pic of my girl with no shirt on and he’s been sending her threat letters since December or so.

My girlfriend just told me tonight and I have no fucking clue what to do. I asked about this guy specifically, and she lied. But when I told her about the girl I hooked up with I was made to delete her on everything and never go to her town again. What the fuck do I do. The guy come back in two weeks, do I fight him? Let it be cool with us?

p.s. I really need your help. I’m flipping shit

Where do I start with you, dude? You’re like a puppy who pisses all over the house, gets into the garbage, eats shoes, and humps every leg in his general vicinity. Just in total need of thorough and rigorous, three-month obedience school. It’s almost like we need to hit the reset button with you and start building you up from a blank slate. Fuck.

“…is generally honest with me (so I think.)”


“I asked about this guy specifically, and she lied.”

Soooooo she’s an honest liar? If she lied to you, and you know she lied to you, why would you think she’s generally honest? Then there’s this:

“He’s a nice guy and I have no problem with him.”

“Anyways, this guy took a pic of my girl with no shirt on and he’s been sending her threat letters since December or so.”

Here’s a guy who you’re considering squaring up to due to him threatening the release of your girlfriend’s nudes, and all you can say is “hmmmm, he seems like a nice guy.”

Where are your cajones? Does your coach know he signed a total pushover to his team? A guy who uses nudes as a blackmail weapon is a friend to no one, and certainly isn’t a nice guy. Behavior like that poses a threat to the entire nude distribution industry. Nude distribution operates under a strict, yet implied no-release treaty. Guys who release revenge porn belong in Guantanamo. Fuck this guy.

Alright, I need to make a point about relationships in general. Is there a reason to be exclusive with someone if you can’t foresee staying with them forever? As in the conventional route: marriage (if that’s your thing)? I can’t think of a reason to tie yourself down if you don’t see a real future with that person. I get the whole “we have so much fun together” reason for dating someone, so then just have fun with them. Don’t waste your time and hers by entering a monogamous relationship that is sure to fail.

Your time — and hers — will be so much better spent dating around. Fall into some random strange, man. Meet as many girls as you can. Catch a treatable STD. Have a one-night-stand pregnancy scare. Grind your little freshman dick off on any dance floor you can find.

The girl who you started “dating” in 8th grade, the one who you’ve broken up with a “countless” number of times, and the one who lied to you about another guy? You think you have a longterm future with her? Why? WHY? FUCKING WHY?! Fuck outta here, man.

I’ll bet you my next paycheck you two don’t end up together.

Look, I was hard on you, but sometimes that’s what you need. And since your boys clearly aren’t giving you the advice they’re afraid to dish out, I’ll do the dirty work. Be single, you idiot.

Image via Shutterstock


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