Mailbag: Two High School Badasses Battle It Out For Pre-College Supremacy

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Nice Move

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It’s been quite a while since we’ve heard from the 14-year-old Badass, about four months in fact. And frankly, that doesn’t sit well with me. I need more of this kid in my life. We all do, really. He’s 14 years old, he’s a badass, he has a mouth like a drunken sailor, and he’s wise beyond his years. I wonder what he’s been up to — if he’s been “slamming the high school slams” like he says, if he’s still preparing for life in the “frat castle,” if he still keeps his pockets flush with cash, if he’s still prepared to take the hazing like a man, and if he’s still excited about sending his slams on all those upcoming walks of shame.

If you don’t know who he is, you need to catch up. Read about the 14-year-old badass HERE.

The reason I thought about this kid, and why I’m bringing him up now, is because I received an email from a different high schooler recently. This one is 16 years old, so he’s got a little more real world experience than the 14-YOBA. He also has his own nickname for himself, just like his younger counterpart. He calls himself a “sixteen year old champion.”


Hilarious. Here’s the entire email:

Dorn,

I am a sixteen year old champion from a suburb of Indianapolis. I’d just like to take a second to thank you for TFM and how the website and book has changed my wardrobe, my personality, and my life. I am now known as a cocky ass hole at school, and I don’t give a shit, I dress nicer than anyone in my school, I now pull all of the high school slams, and I can’t wait to be in a fraternity some day. I would also love to write for TFM sometime in my future. The Maglite would approve of my lifestyle.

Thank you Rodge,
OG

Note: I’m not going to reveal the 16-year-old champion’s name for obvious reasons, but his initials are actually O.G. While it’s common for people to sign off with their initials like this, I’d like to think he’s playing into the “Original Gangster” moniker that is usually reserved for someone who keeps it real and is respected on the streets. Personally, I love the move.

It becomes clear after reading the above email that the 16-YOC is not quite in 14-YOBA’s league. The “champion” self-proclamation alone wins him over in my book, and he clearly has his high school shit together, but let’s be honest here. When it comes to sheer awesomeness and respect in the high school game, he’s on the business end of 14-YOBA’s paddle.

A follower replied to my previous tweet and asked about our 14-year-old friend.


He is, in fact, 15 years old now. I know this because the now 15-YOBA saw my tweet and fired off another email to me. To put it kindly, he does not approve of the 16-year-old champion.

Here’s the email:

Dear Dorno,

This is the now 15 year old badass, I’m sending this in regards to your tweet about this so called “Sixteen year old champion”; fucking try hard. Well anyways, as I was busy going hard on my twitter game, I happened to stumble upon the replies to the tweet of TFM’s newest fan from the youth category. I noticed that you assumed if I was 15 by now and you were correct. I’ll be getting my permit soon and I was wondering, any drunk driving tips?

Sincerely,
15 YOBA

“Fucking try hard” — a 15-year-old high school student just used this phrase to describe a 16-year-old. He might be the only high schooler on the planet that can not only get away with using this phrase, but sounds awesome using it. Unbelievable.

Can’t you picture the 15-YOBA going hard on Twitter during keyboarding class, probably spitting game at every 15-year-old slam from the Pacific to the Atlantic, telling them about how badass he is and where he’s going to college, and how they’d be lucky to wind up in his dorm room late one night, and then he sees his nickname organically come across his timeline, and then BOOM, he gets another column written about him that hundreds of thousands of people are going to read. Just like that, at the drop of a hat and a 50-word email, he gets his name in the lights again.

In a haze-off between the 16-YOC and the 15-YOBA, is there any doubt in anyone’s mind who’s coming out on top? The 16-YOC would be pulling splinters out of his ass for weeks.

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