Columns

Mailbag: Uncensored Rush Boobs?

This is a recurring TFM series. Catch up with all installments of Mailbag by visiting the archive.

sailboat tfm mailbag

This edition of the TFM Mailbag did not actually come to us in the form of an email or, God forbid, snail mail. Call me new fashioned, but I never understood the concept of snail mail. Who would pay $2,500 a year for a subscription service that just mails you a (usually dead) snail once every two weeks for a year? Me — that’s who. I didn’t know what I was doing, and by the time I did, it was too late. I regret ever signing up. There’s so much snail blood on my hands, both figuratively and also once every two weeks until January 2018.

Anywhosit, this mailbag was actually submitted as a column. You’ll see why we didn’t run it (it’s awful and TFMer Ronnie Swanson should feel awful for penning it), but I think I’m perfectly suited to be the one to respond to it, seeing as I’m le rush tits guy.

From (idiot) Ronnie Swanson:

A beautiful, beautiful thing happened in the last month. Something so spectacular that I had to pinch myself to make sure I wasn’t dreaming. No, I’m not talking about the start of the Trump era, or watching Tom Brady COME BACK FROM 25-down to cement his place as the greatest quarterback of all-time, I’m talking about TFM’s return of Rush Boobs.

This reincarnation has been an incredible triumph for the American people, but just because the site has improved, does not mean we have to be satisfied. Just as feminists will continue to march the streets dressed like their reproductive organs until white men everywhere admit our inferiority and meet their every demand, we too should not be content with what is clearly a reasonable and just system. Rush boobs are great, but we cannot stop fighting until or every demand is met. It’s time for a new era of TFM. It’s time for sailboat-free rush boobs.

Countless women are willing to set aside shame and submit marvelous naked pictures of themselves in support of their favorite fraternity. Who are we to impede on their freedom of press by censoring their most powerful assets? These women are trying their hardest to provide invaluable advertisement for Greek organizations, promote a positive body image, and make their fathers proud.

I may have mentioned it previously, but this is my official declaration. I am running for TFM President in hopes of giving the website back to the people. My promise to you, the readers, is that under my administration, YOU WILL NEVER SEE ANOTHER SAILBOAT ON THIS SITE AGAIN. That means uncensored nipples, uncensored vag, and hell, even the occasional sailboat-free anus.

THIS IS OUR SITE! MAKE TFM GREAT AGAIN! VOTE SWANSON!

Thanks for the column submission, Ronnie Swanson, you big, dumb idiot who will never be TFM president as long as I’m around to prevent your big, dumb face from sullying my (bosses’) site.

What do you think this is, a porn site? You think we can just go out showing nip and areola and Monty tubercles and still get money from advertisers? You probably do, because you’re a big, dumb idiot. And you know what that means? I, the glorious and honorable TFM Intern, am the only boy who gets to see the uncensored HaHas before I sailboat ’em. That’s right — all them uncensored yams are belong to me. Fuck you.

Then again, if, say, enough people buy clothes from Rowdy Gentleman, we wouldn’t need to host advertisements on the site, and thus wouldn’t need to do anything to appease advertisers…

Ball’s in your court, sluts.

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TFM Intern

Never getting promoted.

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