Mailbag: Unhazed Pledge Actually Wants To Fly To Austin To Get Hazed

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A couple weeks have gone by since I introduced you all to Unhazed Pledge, the pledge that is currently pledging a fraternity that, naturally, refuses to haze him. As he goes on to explain in the email he sent me, he’s pretty unhappy that he and his pledge brothers are allowed to skate through their pledgeship without so much as a single hazing session. He feels cheated. He wants the real experience of a “real fraternity.” He just wants to get hazed. He also has an attitude problem, which is to be expected, you know, on account of the haze-free lifestyle he’s become accustomed to.

A lot can happen in two weeks, so the follow-up would be very telling. Was he now getting the proper hazing he so desperately needs and oddly desires? Were his supple, virgin ass cheeks still as pure as the driven snow, or had they learned of the ferocity of a paddle-wielding JI at 10 cold ones deep?

He emailed me, so let’s find our in this week’s Mailbag:

Hey Dorn,
It’s been a couple weeks since you wrote the column and I’d like to take a minute to thank you for the advice. I’ve decided to stick it out and try to move past the not being hazed thing. I still want to be hazed and I’m wondering if you were serious about you and the TFM team hazing me. I’ll never be able to truly call myself a fraternity man if I never go through a form of pledgeship. I imagine you guys get pretty itchy up there with nobody to haze besides those poor intern bastards and would be honored if you guys would put me through a true pledgeship. I’m serious about this, and would like to come down there to deliver to you the pallet of fuck yous that I am currently holding with your name on it.

An endless stream of Fuck Yous,
Unhazed Pledge

First of all, Unhazed Pledge, you might want to consider holstering all those fuck yous for now. If this elaborate plan to take a pledgeship hiatus to visit Austin to get hazed comes to fruition, you’re going to wish you had a few left in the chamber, because when I get finished with you, you’re going to wish you had shown me a little more respect. A “pallet of fuck yous”? Who the hell do you think you are? And where does one even acquire a pallet of intangible objects? How would you transport them? What do they cost? Where do you get them? God, your audacity and nonsensical imagination is infuriating me.

Would I enjoy hazing this kid? Sure. It’s been a while for me. Been out of the game for some time now. But will I? The answer to that question isn’t so easy to come by.

Part of me doesn’t want to accommodate this kid. At the end of the day, he’s a pledge. Pledges are supposed to figure it out themselves. I’m also thinking, “I don’t have time for this little fuck. I have too much going on to orchestrate and participate in this fantasy hazecation of his. What am I gonna do, pick him up at the airport like a kid anxiously waiting for the gates to open at Disney World, then drive him around town like some kind of tour guide? Who am I, the damn Make-A-Wish Foundation for dying pledges that aren’t really dying, but are really just cocky little assholes that need to get hazed?” And then there it is — the “need to get hazed” part is what pulls me back in. It’s clear he needs it, and he obviously wants it, but I’ve always been a proponent of keeping it in-house.

I don’t want to be hazing someone else’s pledges, do I? No, I don’t. And that’s where I ultimately stand.

Save your money, Unhazed Pledge. Don’t fly here. What’d probably end up happening is I wouldn’t haze you, but would opt for relentlessly making fun of you for dropping $600 on airfare and lodging to fly to another state to get hazed by someone you don’t even know. It’s weird.

Someone — anyone — please haze this kid for me, though. Thanks.

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