Mailbag: Visiting My Girlfriend’s Family For Christmas, Is It A Fuck Free Zone Or What?

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Allow me to send you off on Christmas break with a Mailbag: Christmas Edition, which isn’t all that holiday spirited as you could have probably guessed from the title. The emailer, Eric, has been dating his girlfriend for nearly one year, and in that time it’s progressed enough that he’s compelled to label it “serious”–serious enough that he is traveling to his girlfriend’s parents’ house to meet them and stay for a couple nights during the Christmas break. He wants to know if he should have sex in their house, if it’s worth the risk of getting caught, because nothing says family and Christmas spirit like stealth fornication.

The email is below.

Hey Dorno,

I need some of your infinite wisdom about something that’s been on my mind. First of all, I fell into a bear trap and got myself into a relationship, and yes I’m in college. I know I know. Idiot right? She’s cool as fuck though, and blistering hot. I swear. I’d send you a picture to confirm but it could end up in the wrong hands and I’d be a dead man walking. She’s a 10 though Dorno.

Anyway, we’ve been together since spring of last year and things are getting as serious as serious can get for a college relationship. She asked me to visit her family in Buckhead for Christmas to meet them and stay for two nights. They have a guest room for me on the opposite end of the house from her room.

Her parents are pretty conservative, strict, Christian, all that stuff. Apparently it’s a big deal that I’m even visiting and staying in the same house as my girlfriend. If they caught us bumping uglies, I’m dead. Of course the smart play here is to keep my dick in my pants, but the thrill of fucking in a forbidden home gets me pretty excited. This could end very badly. It’s a big home, so we might be able to sneak off, but she has two younger brothers too that will be wandering around the place. Tricky situation that could end terribly for your boy if we get caught.

Here’s my question. Is her house a fuck free zone or what?

Thanks and fuck you,

Eric

“She’s a 10 though Dorno.”

This statement bothers me much more than it probably should. She’s not a 10, man. A 10 is perfect, flawless, among the hottest one percent of the hottest one percent of the hottest one percent, and so on, of women on the planet. There are probably like 25 women on earth who are 10s. Your girl from Buckhead isn’t one of them, unless you’re dating Lane Lindell from UGA, who could possibly have family in Buckhead, but you’re not.

Anyway, let’s get to your situation, which I find hilarious. Think about what Christmas represents. It’s a celebration of the birth of Jesus, our Lord and Savior. It’s about family and giving, and it’s about faith. All that great stuff is going on and you’re over here wondering how you’re gonna catch a nut when you visit the girlfriend’s family. Classic perv mentality.

It’s only two nights, you animal. But honestly, I get it. It’s more than going 48 hours without sex. It’s about the forbidden fruit, having sex where you’re not supposed to. Within a stone’s throw of her old man. With the smell of her mom’s apple pie wafting throughout the house and under the locked bedroom door. With her bratty little brothers playing Call of Duty in the next room. It’s the thrill of it all.

Here’s my answer: Yes, it’s a fuck-free zone, BUT you’re an asshole if you don’t make an attempt to have sex there. While her father will likely castrate you if he catches your meat outside your chinos, he knows there’s a good chance it’s going down no matter what ground rules he sets. He fully expects you to make the move at some point during your stay, and might even think you’re a bitch if you don’t. He knows when you’re quiet, you’re plotting. He knows when you whisper to her, you’re scheming. He knows when you both sidle away and disappear, you’re trying to mark your territory by having intercourse with his daughter, under his roof.

It’s an unspoken battle of territory. This is his domain, and you are a threat. Not just any swinging dick can stroll in and lay claim to his turf. Can you, though? Can you step up to the plate and take a hack? Are you gonna be a man, or will his dominance over you consume your thoughts until your next visit?

Do it, but go into SEAL Team Six stealth mode first or you could lose your testicles.

Image via Shutterstock

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