Mailbag: What’s The Best Player Gig In All Of College Sports?

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Nice Move

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This is Dorn’s thing. I get it. I’m not trying to step on any toes here. But I got an email from an Ole Miss student whose question actually spurred conversation at the TFM Writer house and caused Jared to slam his door like a child when we refused to listen to his twenty-minute tirade about D-I pole vaulting. Here is the email below.

Sup you fat piece of shit,

Since you’re the resident “athlete” at TFM (I use that term extremely lightly), I thought I’d throw this question your way. After watching Chad Kelly do his thing and essentially sign Les Miles’ pink slip, my buddies and I got into a pretty heated discussion about which athletes have it best in college sports. We’re talking babes, bar hookups, getting noticed on campus, the works.

I won’t give even the slightest bit of merit to my mouth breathing friend and his immediate answer of star player on any D-I lacrosse powerhouse like a Johnny Hopkins or Denver — the latter of which is apparently a school people try to go to. He was rightfully put in his place within five seconds of his argument, and the real debate started. We narrowed it down to QB 1 at an SEC school or being a four-year starter in hoops at either Duke or North Carolina. I’m of the opinion that nothing trumps big time college football. It’s king. But, the other side of the argument is that basketball players are incredibly more recognizable since they don’t wear anything on their domes.

So, our question to you, you ugly mutated Tebow looking motherfucker, is if you could be a collegiate athlete in any sport at any school, what sport are you picking, what position are you playing, and where are you going?

– Anderson

Anderson, my man. I’m honored you’d bestow the fate of a question that was single handedly tearing at the fabric and foundation of the friendship that holds your group together to yours truly. Tebow is a good looking dude ipso facto thanks for the compliment. Resident TFM athlete has a nice ring to it, too. You’re just buttering me up to take your side though, right? Unfortunately, I’m here to tell you and your boys that you’re all wrong. Well, partially.

Yes, you want to be the biggest swinging dick on campus, and football and quarterback is the correct answer, but you’re out of your mind if you’d want to play in the SEC. One bad game under the helm in Tuscaloosa and some psychotic fan like Harvey Updyke is poisoning your mom’s favorite ficus. You don’t want that kind of blood on your hands.

I broke it down to five categories to help determine where I’d be taking my theoretical talents: quality of life, women, expectations, talent around you, and, of course, the head ball coach.

A big part of quality of life is weather, so that immediately eliminates the Big 10 and the entire Midwest and Northeast, in general. I didn’t move from Philadelphia to get away from the people — they’re pleasant folks, actually — I was just tired of digging my car out from snow half the year and having my sack look like a few freezer burnt IKEA Köttbullar Meatballs mashed together and packed tight. That was uncomfortable enough in normal, everyday life. Throwing on a jockstrap was infinitely worse. I’m staying below the Mason-Dixon line for my gonads sake.

Another propionate of Q.O.L. is just being in a town with something to do, so adiós schools like Texas Tech or Baylor. I don’t think you could pay me enough to live in Lubbock or Waco. When your biggest selling point of nightlife around campus is a Twin Peaks where biker gangs had full fledged warfare in the parking lot within the past eight months, I’m going to pass on the recruitment visit, Art. Maybe don’t tell me there’s going to be an In-N-Out when there’s not going to be an In-N-Out, too. That’s just a filthy play.


Women help limit down my choices significantly. After doing Instagram Babe of the Day for over a year, it’s pretty clear the top-tier prospects reside in California, Florida, and Arizona. Eliminate UF because of previously mentioned unrealistic SEC expectations from your performance, and I’m down to Cal, USC, FSU, Miami, Arizona, and Arizona State. Let’s go ahead and remove USC and FSU, too, because they’re also teetering with impractical ambitions.

Cal, Miami, Arizona, and ASU. All relatively the same, talent wise. It comes down to coaching. Do I want to play for some old school, no nonsense jackass? No thanks. Deuces, Todd Graham. Miami is currently unknown, so being QB1 at Cal or Arizona is the best gig in all of college sports. Flip a coin, honestly. You can’t go wrong either way. But for the sake of not being middle man Dan, I’ll go with the Wildcats because I’m putting up numbers in a Rich Rodriguez offense and BOOBS. There’s just never been a bad set in Tucson.

U of A is the ideal destination and the answer to the email, but I’ll gladly settle if the right opportunity comes along.

Couldn’t get much worse, Danny. Let me get that Master’s in Cinema Studies.

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