The first Mailbag of 2015 is very much like the ones with which we closed 2014. It’s about a horny college kid who seems determined to risk an unnecessary breach of common, human decency for some cheap sex.
This time, the emailer seeks my advice about the possibility of catching a nut while suspended fifty feet off the snow-covered ground while being transported up a mountain. Yes, he wants to have some sort of sex on a ski lift. But why is he so intent on pulling out his boner in subfreezing temperatures, and with very little space with which to maneuver, and when a false step could lead to an abrupt plummet toward earth and the possibility of severe bodily harm, or even death?
I have no idea, but let’s read the email anyway.
Hey fucker. So I got this crazy idea recently and since you’re the guy everyone asks for sex advice (no idea why), I figured I’d toss this idea at you and see what happens.
Over Christmas break I went skiing in Steamboat Springs with my family. I was riding a ski lift with my brother and staring down at all the snow bunnies when it hit me. I need to fuck on this thing. How awesome would it be to fuck on a ski lift? But is it really doable? It seems dangerous and with all the people around, it’s just risky.
Here’s where your expertise comes in. Me and the boys have a ski trip planned for spring break. We’re going hard in Breckenridge. I figure between getting high as hell and drinking myself into a coma, I’m gonna try to hook up on a ski lift. We’re meeting a group of DZs there. These are fun girls if you know what I mean. Ski lift sex Rodge. Think about it.
If I can’t do full out intercourse, what other sex acts could I get away with? I need some danger in my life Dorno.
I wonder how many times per ski season the ski patrol pops someone for indecent exposure or committing a public sex act. Probably never, right? Their everyday duties of keeping ornery teenagers from speeding through ski school classes or transporting injured skiers down the mountain pale in comparison to busting some perverted college kid fully exposed in the tree trails. I can’t imagine “Dealing With Slopeside Handjibbers” is covered in the standard ski patrol training curriculum.
I’ll gloss over the “What’s the matter with you?” aspect of this situation and try to answer the question the best I can.
I have to immediately rule out full-on intercourse. It just won’t work, unfortunately. First of all, there’s too much bodily movement and gyrating going on to conceal what’s happening from skiers and nearby lift occupants. How would you and your partner even situate your bodies to accomplish insertion? The only position that could potentially work would be her sitting on your lap, but then it would just flat out look like exactly what it is: her sitting down on your boner. It’s just too obvious, man. Plus, you’re both wearing ski pants and long john undies. It’s a chore in itself to even access your private parts. When a skier is accustomed to seeing very little flesh exposed on a mountain, a bare, white ass or thighs will sound the sex alarm. Then out come the phones, and boom, you’re on Worldstar before you can even climax.
And don’t forget that you’re either wearing skis or a snowboard on a ski lift. You ever try doggy-style with six-foot-long pieces of wood on your feet? No, you haven’t. No one has, because you can’t. It’s not even possible. This also removes straddling as a viable option. Simple physics, dude.
Now, let’s talk about the options that are actually plausible: handjibber, finger sesh, or mouth jibber.
All three of these options are in play, with a handjibber being your safest bet, although it’s the least fun option on the board. All you need are subtle hand movements to accomplish this to satisfaction. Important side note: Make sure her hand is tucked up inside some cozy mittens before she engages. The last thing you want is for her to Queen Elsa your dick clean off. That’s going to be a cold hand. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. This method is also difficult to detect by casual onlookers. It can work. For a finger sesh, same story. It’s in play, and it’s relatively safe.
A mouth jibber is your next best option, although it comes with an element of danger. It can work, but the problem is that it looks pretty suspicious. “She was resting her head on my lap” isn’t going to fly. It has to be the right time, the right place, and preferably while it’s snowing heavily.
P.S.: Don’t do any of the above, please. Just wait until you get back to the lodge like a normal horny person, you sick, sick, sick son of a bitch..
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