Today is a sad day. It is most certainly a date which will live in infamy. Beam Inc., producer of the beloved bourbon Maker’s Mark, has announced that its famous red waxed top spirit will be watered down in order to meet a rapidly growing demand for the iconic American drink.
(*pauses to compose himself*)
The announcement is disheartening, disappointing, and could even be described as devastating. Reports of unconsolable fraternity men leaping to their deaths from roof decks, frat castle balconies, and party porches have been pouring into the TFM news desk, all of them so far unconfirmed.
(*once again pauses for composure, begins humming ‘We Shall Overcome’*)
God help us all.
The bourbon producer, known for its signature red wax-sealed bottles, is watering down its whiskey in an effort to meet rising global demand.
(*sadness turns to rage*)
Global demand!?!? SON OF A BITCH! Beam Inc. is watering down our American drink for Frenchmen and terrorists!?!?! Isn’t it bad enough that we waste NFL games on London, or needlessly add “Los” to the front of various American sports team jerseys to make them seem more appealing to a Spanish speaking audience even though the actual team name is kept in English?!?
Maybe we should start making hotdogs without pork rectums, just in case a Muslim wants to eat one. Or perhaps we should have a balls-in-a-vice like dependence on foreign oil instead of looking for feasible domestic solutions…oh, right…fuck.
The change was first announced in a letter from company executives to loyal customers.
The offices of Total Frat Move received no such letter.
“Fact is, demand for our bourbon is exceeding our ability to make it, which means we’re running very low on supply,” wrote Rob Samuels, the company COO.
Samuels said that “after looking at all possible solutions,” the company was reducing alcohol by volume by 3%.
However, it seems likely that alcohol by volume will instead be reduced by three percentage points. Prior to the announced change, Maker’s Mark was 45% alcohol by volume, and according to company literature, the bourbon is now 42% alcohol by volume, a reduction of 6.7%.
Weave your web of lies somewhere else, Mr. Samuels. We aren’t interested.
I’m no businessman, but a humble dick-jokerer, so diluting your product to reach more consumers may be the practical choice, but it’s also an easy choice. This country, formerly good sirs of Beam Inc., was not built on easy choices. America was built on hard (and for a while, unpaid) work. Sack up, Beam Inc. So what if some foreigners have to wait a little bit while you upgrade your output capacity? At least then you aren’t potentially alienating the consumer base that made you great.
Consumers met the news with skepticism
I hope that by “skepticism” CNN means pure rage. Pure, unlike the Maker’s Mark that will soon be hitting shelves.
The company, however, insists the taste will be the same, and that Maker’s Mark drinkers detected no difference during taste tests.
I don’t know what exactly Beam Inc. is cutting their once great product with, but either their taste testers are liars, or they’re pouring gallons of old, acidic, Kentucky bathwater, which of course is naturally laced with the moonshine perspiration of their local backwoods populace, into the bourbon, the former being far more likely than the latter, if only because that bathwater would at least maintain the Maker’s Mark alcohol content.
“This will enable us to maintain the same taste profile and increase our limited supply so there is enough Maker’s Mark to go around, while we continue to expand the distillery and increase our production capacity,” the letter said.
That sounds an awful lot like socialism to me. Fuck you and your watered down commie gutter swill!
Matt Shattock, the CEO of Beam, told CNNMoney last year that emerging markets are driving growth in the liquor business. Shattock specifically cited bourbon, with its sweeter taste, as appealing to consumers in countries like India.
So there you have it. Your beloved Maker’s Mark is being watered down so that people in India can drink to their delight. IS THERE ANYTHING WE DON’T OUTSOURCE TO THOSE PEOPLE!?!
Stock up on Maker’s Mark while you can, friends. Sure, the alcohol content isn’t being significantly reduced, and those lying liars who call themselves Beam Inc. taste testers claim that the Maker’s Mark taste hasn’t been altered, but it doesn’t matter. An American treasure is about to be tarnished, even if only slightly. Hold on to that treasure…at least for the ten minutes it takes you to get from the liquor store and back, then drink that treasure like a madman until you can’t feel whatever painful feelings this atrocity is causing.
[via CNN Money]
h/t to @supaspeed729