Male Sex Toy Company Looking for “Part-Time Orgasm Engineer”

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Nice Move

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I love working for TFM. I get all the free Rowdy Gentleman gear I want AND I get to take my pick when it comes to Bacon’s romantic leftovers. All in all, it’s a pretty sweet gig. However, Back To Back World War Champs frat tanks and drunkenly hitting on fours that Bacon may or may not have been inside of doesn’t pay the bills here at TFM New York. So, I’ve considered new ways of making extra money, and I think I’ve found the answer.

A company called Hot Octopuss has launched the first “guybrator” and the company is currently taking résumés for a “part-time orgasm engineer.” If you’re interested, the ad says to send all résumés to handjob@hotoctopuss.com–and no, that is not a dummy account set up by Dorn, you sick bastards.

Here’s the ad:

Here’s the full job description. Personally, I like to read it out loud like I’m a 1950s sex ed narrator in a black and white film, but you can go ahead and use Jimmy Tatro’s voice, too. Either way, it’s hysterical.

From Hot Octopuss:

Not getting the buzz you need from your current job role? Feeling un-stimulated? Looking for a job you can grow into? Hot Octopuss has a brand spanking new role that will get you buzzing with excitement…
Hot Octopuss is a British company, sitting at the cutting edge of next generation sex toy design. We develop toys for men, women and couples that are designed to fit in with people’s lifestyles, not just their bedrooms.
Following the success of the world’s first ‘guybrator’, we are on the hunt for our first ever part time Orgasm Engineer to help test our new range of male products.
Successful applicants will be sent prototype sex toys to review on a regular basis and will be required to report back on their sexperiences.
Benefits include being allowed to work whenever the moment takes you, from the comfort of your own home, or anywhere in the world for that matter – maybe just not in public!
We’ll also provide a lifetime supply of tissues to the lucky candidate.
Successful candidates will:
• Be aged 18+
• Have good stamina
• Be able to handle pressure
• Have their own penis

Let’s go over the highlights.

Over 18?
Check.

Have good stamina?
Up for interpretation, but anything over two pumps deserves a check in my book.

Able to handle the pressure?
That’s where I have to bow out. I have a hard enough time peeing in the trough of the heavily trafficked bathroom at Churchill Downs when I’m extremely intoxicated. If I have trouble breaking the seal after 10 mint juleps, there’s no way I can do whatever a company called Hot Octopuss would want me to do. God knows not soberly at least. I guarantee there will be people poking, prodding, and judging. I’m getting anxiety just thinking about this.

In the end, I guess I’ll just have to keep the job search going. On the bright side, I still get Bacon’s leftovers. Oh, and did you guys get your new Johnny Politics shirt? I have four.

And in case you were wondering if I have my own penis, well, I’ll just let the ladies answer that one…

The answer is yes. Totally a yes. 100 percent yes. Miranda Kerr, if you’re reading, it’s without a doubt yes.

[via Hot Octopuss]

Jordan is a writer living in a small yet overpriced apartment in NYC. He can always be found in his favorite pair of topsiders, even though he doesn't own a yacht (yet). He may not always be right, but he's never wrong and he also knows that finishing an entire book doesn't prove anything. He could eat cereal for every meal, but doesn't...because you know...carbs. For angry tweets about the state of IU basketball follow him @jordangersh

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