Deep in the jungles of the island of Bali, 18-year-old Ngurah Alit took his beautiful bride-to-be out for a delightful morning of laughter, mimosas, and getting lost in each other’s eyes. Taken aback by the breathtaking scenery the tiny Hindu island has to offer, and having just seen two monkeys doing it in the road, the hot and lustful lovers found their way to a hidden rice paddy that was as gorgeous as a child’s smile on Christmas morning. And as the mighty tiger looked on and the flying squirrels flew freely nearby, Ngurah laid his soulmate down onto the flooded parcel of holy land, and the two made passionate love as sunrise broke over the Indonesian horizon.
As Ngurah had his muse bent over, letting her have the ol’ give-n-go from the doggystyle position, a 60-year-old Hindu monk draped in red robes stumbled down to the rice paddy to gather his supply of food for the week. While he gathered the rice, the sounds of him trekking through the two feet of water serenaded his ears, and I tell you this day that the monk’s robe miraculously began to extend seven inches from his body, for yea, he had to pee very badly.
As the holy man of Vishnu, who had taken a vow of silence 49 years ago and had not spoken a single syllable since, took out his holy rod and baptized the rice paddy with his bright yellow urine, the sprinkling sound from underneath him was eclipsed by what could only be described as a caveman sodomizing a dubstep subwoofer. The monk looked up, and there, in the distance, he saw Ngurah, furiously thrusting his loins into his Aphrodite.
In shock, the monk accidentally broke his vow of silence, exclaiming, “Dude, that guy’s totally banging a cow.”
Gossip and innuendo soon spread around Ngurah’s village. Upon catching wind of the forbidden affair, the parents of the modern day Romeo and Juliet met, deciding it was in the best interest for both of the intrepid lovers that they follow standard protocol (yes, this wasn’t the first time this had happened in this village) and be linked together eternally through the bonds of marriage.
Ngurah immediately raised his voice with a fury that hell hath never heard before.
“There is no way I’m marrying that whore”, the teenager scolded. “This temptress lured me in by letting me caress her utters, like so many other boys that she has brought to the yard with her milk
shakes. She wouldn’t even let me sneak it in her backdoor, because she said she wasn’t in the mooooood. And I’m hardly the only one in this room who’s had sex with a girl who’s a heifer. For God’s sake, Dad, if getting drunk and taking home cows was a crime, you’d be on Death Row! ”
But alas, his objections were dismissed, and eventually, the idea of a wedding filled the boy’s soul with glee. The day of matrimony came, and family members of both of the parties, from Indonesia to the farms of Wisconsin, arrived, barely able to contain their anticipation. As the bride walked down the aisle, however, Ngurah’s cold feet caught up with him, and he passed out on the spot, hitting his head and rendering himself unconscious.
Two days later, the lad woke up in a hospital, surrounded by family members donned in black. “Where is she? Where is my love?” he cried out, fearing for the worse. They didn’t even have to say what had happened; he already knew. With no wedding to take place, the town had slaughtered the cow like in the ceremony at the end of Apocalypse Now, in order to rid the village of the funky smell of bestiality.
Ngurah was heartbroken, his soul shattered into a million pieces. But even he knows that we cannot mourn forever, and reports state that he has already out looking for his new wife. Stopped at the Indonesian Airport, luggage in hand, this journalist asked Ngurah where he was going.
The charmer replied, “I just bought my ticket on Travelocity. While she’ll never replace the one I lost, I’m off to find my dream cow. Ann Arbor, here I come.”
- [via Gawker]