Some people just have all the bad luck. But we may have just found the unluckiest man in the history of the world. His name is Jordan and he lives in Australia, and he just got his dick bitten by a spider for the second time this year.
He was bitten on Tuesday while using a port-o-potty in Sydney, Australia, further proving that port-o-potties are disgusting places and basically hell on earth.
It was the first time he did his business in a port-o-potty since April 27, 2016. And yes, last time he did it, his dick gotten bitten by a goddamn spider. Spiders-2, Jordan-0.
The poor, poor, poor, poor, poor man told BBC, “I was sitting on the toilet doing my business and just felt the sting that I felt the first time, I was like ‘I can’t believe it’s happened again.’ I looked down and I’ve seen a few little legs come from around the rim.” Jesus Christ, dude.
The first time, he was attacked by a redback spider. It’s closely related to the black widow. Yikes. No word yet on what type of spider bit his dick this time, but that doesn’t matter. What matters is that a fucking spider bit his dick. Again.
He claims he thoroughly inspected the toilet seat before sitting in an interview on a radio show, saying, “It just got freshly cleaned out and it had this little crevasse underneath the actual bowl so I couldn’t lift it up to check, I thought I was safe and then obviously not.” Yeah, no shit, Jordan.
Next time you think you’re having a bad 2016, just thank your lucky stars that you’re not this fucking guy. I’m already psyched for your clever “I wish it happened to Wally” comments, you predictable fuckers.
One of the radio personalities straight up asked the guy, “What do you think it is about your penis that makes it so attractive and delicious to spiders?” The world may never know. But one thing is for sure: God clearly hates this man..
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