Christopher McComas is applying for the University of North Dakota head football coach job and he thinks he’s the best damn applicant for the job. Why? His fantastic presentation skills, of course. This guy means business and he wants those chumps at the UND human resources department to get the message loud and clear. His application is two-fold, starting off with one of the best cover letters I have ever seen and backing it up with a show-stopping Powerpoint. I actually plan on stealing both of these and just changing the name, no need to change anything else.
McComas appears to have all the necessary qualifications of a head football coach. This is all because of his vast knowledge of football…video games. He’s been playing Madden on Sega Genesis where he “completely dominated with the Bills and Thurman Thomas.” Whoa whoa whoa there, Bud, don’t take all the credit for that. Thomas could win that game with one hand tied behind his remotely-controlled back. McComas can elaborate on that however, “was he a beast on the game or was he a beast because I was a football genius controlling him?” Well played, McComas.
He then grew up and transferred over to Playstation where he picked up NCAA Football each year and it’s like the stars aligned. He even starts to talk a little smack and starts comparing his coaching career at Marshall University (via Playstation) to that of Nick Saban. “I took them from a decent Mid-American Conference School on the game to a perennial national power that makes Nick Saban look like a chump. One year my third string quarterback left school early to enter the NFL Draft, he was a first round pick. Boom.” Boom is right, show those fools what’s what.
Besides his immaculate record in coaching, his football philosophy isn’t anything to scoff at either. He defines his outlook as ‘attaching’ and he’s going to “give AIR RAID a whole new definition.” I don’t know how else you could define ‘air raid,’ but I want to find out. While this methodology may seem complex, McComas he here to break it down for your feeble mind.
“We’re going 5 wide, chucking the pigskin all over the place. Never punt. Onside every time. Chip Kelly will be calling me to learn my offense. We will put on an exciting brand of football, we will pack them into the Alerus Center night in and night out, go ahead and blow the roof off the place and add about 35,000 seats to that place.”
Sign me up. He’s setting up his football career to be similar to the ‘Top Gun’ trailer and I am 110% on board. McComas knows he’s got this gig in the bag and ends his letter with this, “I prefer Coke to Pepsi, so go ahead and fill the fridge up in the head coach’s office with Coke.” Way to Johnny Manziel that application, McComas.
In case you didn’t get the gist of his football demeanor, he followed up his letter with a Powerpoint that appears to be put together by Ron Burgundy. The presentation is entitled ‘The Future of North Dakota Football” so you know this is the real deal. We’ll skip over the pointless hopes and dreams portion of the presentation and move onto his credentials. He mentions his work in the video game era, the ‘glory days’ of his youth. He explains how he “was ‘on fire’ all the time’ and ‘never used cheat codes’ so this must be legit.
Now if you didn’t believe him in his credentials, McComas is about to drop some knowledge on you. All he’s going to do is ‘chuck the pigskin’ and you better get on board because he plans on winning all the games. You read that right, not some games or a lot of them. All of the games. Are you worried that with all his wins that players are going to start getting soft? Doesn’t matter. All his players will graduate because they’re all going to NFL early anyways.
STILL need more proof? McComas doesn’t fuck around with greatness so he’s taken it upon himself to tell you what to do next. He wants UND to go out and purchase a dozen trophy cases because he’s filling up the athletics hallway with hardware fast. What more could you ask for?
[via The Grand Forks Herald]